Friday, November 6, 2009

The old trauma thinking is causing me to run and hide...

Each night it takes a tremendous amount of effort not to completely lose it – or hurt myself. I want to be numb…I NEED to be numb in ways that I can’t explain. Sometimes I can catch it on the cusp but most nights it hits me out of nowhere and pummels me, pinning me to the ground and restricting my breathing. I become engulfed in a fury of emotion and I wonder if I am even real.

At night, when the trauma thinking takes over the 5 year old struggles so much – she panics and desperately wants to call dear therapist – talk to her, see her, hear her voice…any connection so she will feel safe somehow. The world is too big – to frightening and she just wants to feel safe. I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t know how to help her so I just let her cry and struggle…there’s nothing strong enough inside of me to keep me from slipping away. All I feel is pain…no one else can feel it…no one else can see what I see…it isn’t real to anyone else. I’m not real to anyone else.  No one.

I am not real to dear therapist anymore.  And I’m scared because I don’t know what the next step is…and it is nearly impossible to navigate my way through this with a broken GPS system. I keep thinking about my relationship with dear therapist and I feel like I deceived her in such a terrible way. I think I put her in a thorny position by not disclosing the abuse to her until I’d been seeing her for over a year. Looking back I think that I was so selfish – but then again, how could I trust her with that part of me? And so I felt like I had no choice. But it wasn't fair to her and now because of all that has happened I find myself hinding from her because I am not sure where 'we' are now - and because I no longer think she can tolerate any type of harm that I may (unintentionally) cause myself - and I fear that she will over react to what I think is a normal part of this process due to the overwhelming trauma voices that take over my brain and react in bizarre and maladaptive ways.

I have done better lately but I still don’t think I’m ‘good enough’ to stay out of harm’s way 100% of the time. And I am fearful it will happen again and she will not be able to stay in it with me and she will once again withdraw emotionally from me and I am afraid to take that chance. I feel like she has been riding the edge of ‘emotional’ burn out for over a year now. And what happens the next time I become unstable and lost my ability to maintain myself in a ‘safe’ way? I need her to ‘respond’ to me, connect with me, but not over-react…but I’m walking on a thin black sheet of glass now because I don’t know if that’s possible. It’s troubling…because I think we’ve worked through all of this, tried it on every which way, examined it inside and out…but clearly not – because it continues to resurface again and again.

I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong…Do I continue to hide?  Do I trust that she can be there for me, WANTS to be there for me? Should I quit now– and spare her additional emotional trauma?

I don’t know – but I don’t feel well tonight…and I’m struggling with a lot right now. Confused and shattered…Should I stay here or run and hide? I think hiding is the best option right now. I don’t know who to trust now – or if anyone can even be trusted.

I see my face in the mirror now and I don’t recognize my own reflection. As crazy as it sounds I sometimes talk to the face staring back at me to see if her mouth moves in sync with mine. I look closely at her, check to see if her eyes are the same shade of blue as mine, I touch my face and watch to see if she touches hers too…and many times I feel nothing.

Am I real?
Do I exist?
Am I her?
Is she me? 
I don't want to be real now.
I don't want to exist now.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want her to be me.

I don't want to be lost and alone.

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