Will I ever be free of this? Is it better to not know the challenges that lay ahead? If I did know would I be willing to face them, willing to take them on? I don’t know if I have that kind of strength.
All week I have had to hold back my tears, my stress, my emotions until I was alone, repeating to myself over and over again: Grace, don’t start crying tonight...you’ll never stop. Do not start crying tonight you will never stop. But last night it was too much. Memories from the past running together inside my head like someone splashed water on them, everything clear like a picture drawn on the sidewalk with chalk and then the rain starts and everything runs together. My head started to spin and I felt vomit begin to rise in the back of my throat. I thought I was going to be sick – it always feels so real, so “present moment” so tangible...and I feel so small and fragile...like I am going to break. I ran into the bathroom unable to breathe, thinking I was going to vomit, but only choked on sobs.
I can’t pick just one emotion to focus on because there are so many… I still feel the aching loneliness ... I feel angry... I feel disappointed in myself for mistakes I’ve made, for the set-backs I feel I’ve had now in therapy. I feel locked inside of myself... But mostly when I look back, I feel tired. I have been through so much. I could fill volumes of books with the hodgepodge of memories that haunt me repeatedly. It’s exhausting… and I feel like I’ve been sick for a long time. I’m tired… and I long to be free of all of this.
I often wonder how I ever got to be an adult...and yet I don’t really remember being a *child*.