Monday, November 2, 2009

Time to 'face the music'?

What does that phrase mean anyway?

I don't feel well tonight...I was ready to crawl back into bed and hide by 10am this morning - after another dreaded dentist appointment - and I have another one tomorrow! 

I didn't sleep last night - I talked to the therapist briefly - then I talked to my dear friend, Lynn - well, she talked, I bawled like a baby...Thank you, by the way, dear friend, for being there for me.  And for not abandoning me or letting me succeed in pushing you away last night.  I do appreciate you so much!!!
Honey, please talk to me if you can.  
Can I call you? Will you answer?
I wish I could come there where you are and comfort you. I sure would. I would hold you and stay with you.
(We are stubborn aren't we? - guess that's why we're still alive...(my heart to you)

Then after that...nothing - I don't remember anything else until I finally woke up in my comfy chair and crawled upstairs to bed at 230 am.  DH woke up briefly to say, "It's 2am!" - then rolled over and fell back asleep. 

I called the therapist again and according to the phone log- I left a 4 minute message.  I don't remember calling and have no idea what I said - but I'm sure it was something incriminating and tearful - possibly angry...I've no idea!  And I HATE that!  I much prefer sending an email because even if I don't remember doing it - I have a trail and can at some point go back and see what I sent.  Not so much via the phone.

I haven't felt well today - dizzy all day long and I actually reached an all-time low when I threw up in the trash can in my office when I tried to eat something during an afternoon conference call. 

I need to know how to control the dissociation that happens at night.  I haven't cut myself in over a month - but I still cannot sleep - and I still find myself waking up in crazy places and losing time at night.  I am afraid one night it will end in cutting or some other type of self-injury.  But I cannot stay here in this body.  We are not connected at night, this body and me.

I was talking to my friend LG today about the appointment with the therapist tomorrow and she told me that I'll be going if she has to drive me there (is she trying to control me?) - she sort of put some things (gently) into perspective for me today... reminding me that the training class the therapist was taking last week was scheduled months ago and that doesn't mean that she will try to make me eat a bowl of onions tomorrow.  And my negative reaction is really just my way of trying to come up with an excuse not to go and face the therapist.  (No - LG is not a therapist nor did she stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night - she just *knows* me, and how I think - or not think...)  And that she must care or she wouldn't keep trying  - and I have to face her sooner or later.  (So why not later?)  :-(  But I don't want to go.  That stubborn part of me is still yelling in my ear: WHY BOTHER?  WHY EVEN TRY ANYMORE! 

I am trying to ignore that voice - but I don't feel well or strong right now.


  1. {{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
    I love you, honey.

    You don't have to ignore the voice that says why bother. Just tell it you are going to scope out the situation and see what's what.

    Sadly, the only way I have found to lessen dissociation is to work through some of the trauma that it is called up to keep out. I was only able to do it because the dream mother was there for me in ways I didn't know were possible. That's why part of me hangs on to him. Becasue the stuff I've already come through was only the tip of the iceburg.

  2. Hugs Grace.
    Feel I really need to point out the one positive thing in this post, the fact that you haven't cut in over a month. That is great.
    I hope somehow you'll find the courage to go and see your therapist.
    Many hugs and much love coming your way.

  3. Lynn,'s like you hang on because they once felt 'safe' - the question remains, doe that safety still exist...

    Yep -cut-free for a month - what scares me is that I really believe it's because I haven't had to listen to that DBT crap! I can, on my own, throw my crap in a bucket until I have time to deal with it - but that flying nun will not tell me how to do it!!
    I'm going today...even though I'm hesitant about it.
    Thanks you for the hugs & love - and sending them right back to you...