I feel that way now. I just don’t think any of it matters anymore. DT may have reminded me of those words, but they were tattooed into my brain long before last June. And now when I become overwhelmed with everything, when I would have reached out for help from the therapist, I don’t know – because her words above are all I hear. I don't think I can ever again reach out for help.
All day long I have wiped tears from my eyes…fearful of moving from this very spot I’ve been sitting in since I woke up this morning…I feel paralyzed with pain now...I need her help now- but I can’t ask for help because of all that happened. I am afraid now. I have friends – great friends, confidants, some which are like sisters to me ~ I love them and they love me, but it isn’t the same.
Apparently somewhere down the road, dear therapist turned into a mother figure for me (weird since she’s not like some little old woman with gray hair and an apron…)…but that’s the way it feels. And logically I know that none if it makes sense but I don’t know what to do with it! What a mess! I want to walk away from all of it and never look back. And I could – I’ve done it. And I know that isn't 'fair', I know she cares, and I am sure I internalized her words in a crazy way - and not the way she meant them - but I don't know how to undo that now.
And just because no one *on the outside* recognizes my pain doesn’t mean it isn’t there and I’m not angry! It doesn’t! I feel like I’m trying to build a house on a foundation of quick-sand – it just doesn’t work! And I don’t know what to do now – so I’m sinking with it! Because the person I trusted and unfortunately internalized as some sort of mother figure became overwhelmed too – and even though I know she cares – what’s to say it won’t happen again? There are so many snapshots from my childhood where the host body would actually try to act like a ‘mother’ – for a second! And then end up screwing me! And if this is all so called “transference” then so what! Help me through it because I don’t know how to change that thought process right now because that’s DT’s business, not mine – mine is accounting and finance! But where is she now?
And because I don’t know what to do with it- I pull completely away – and throw her skinny ass in a bucket – which really doesn’t help because then even when I need to understand some ‘maladaptive thought process’ – I’ve no one to ask – because I’ve slapped her in the bucket with the host body – and I’m scared of both of them! And just as I can be ‘cordial’ and ‘nice’ to the host body- not ever expressing how I truly feel – I can do that with the therapist too. I don’t know how to do anything else right now!
And in the words of ‘The Boss’ …”Somewhere along the line I slipped off track…I'm caught movin' one step up and two steps back…”
And the same old ingrained thoughts are now running rampant through my maladaptively formed brain…Grace is nothing. Nothing! I have no right to be cared for, or loved, or even a right to say no. Clearly this is the case- because I find myself in that situation even with the husband this weekend.
I told him 1000x on Friday that I did not want to have sex! But then I get tired of saying no, and obviously, what I say doesn’t matter since he continues to press the issue – I must be wrong – so I give up. I’m really nothing anyway. Just do whatever you want. And at first I cried. But then I decided in my head that I shouldn’t cry because that might make it worse so I just decided to not be there. And then I felt nothing. Nothing. After I stood up and started to walk away, and he said, “If you’re mad at me it wasn’t worth it.” Still walking away from him, I said, “I’m not mad at you.” Because how could I be mad? I’ve no right to be mad or say no. I don’t matter. I am nothing. That’s how I feel. He is no different than any of the other men before him – do whatever you want – I don’t matter anyway. I have no needs –and clearly if I actually admitted that I did – it would overwhelm you – so why bother.
Do what you want to me. I don’t matter. And please, please, please, do not act like I do matter, or ask me how I am, or for God's sake "what I need" …because I won’t tell you the truth. Not anymore. I will smile and tell you everything is great. I am living the dream. Because nothing else matters...
Make a different choice...a year ago, I would have chosen to ask DT for help with all of this...but now, I can't. And just like it wasn't the husband's fault Friday - it's not DT's fault either. It's mine. I'm not mad at either of them...My brain is wired wrong and I have tried to rewire it - but I don't know if it can be done now.