In the magic of disney I forgot my own rule when I agreed to spend the morning at the Grand Californian Spa with my friend. No big deal- it'll be fun, right? Wrong! I don't like to be touched. Not lying face down on a massage table practically naked while someone puts their hands on me. My brain cannot make the distinction between 'this is safe' and 'this will hurt' and what was supposed to be a calm relaxing experience ended in panicked chaos.
I forgot how to breathe, and then I couldn't hear anything but the ringing in my ears and a voice screaming, 'dont touch me!' over and over and over. Dizzy and nauseated I moved to the corner of the room and sat down. Too many people, too many questions- not enough space. I couldn't breathe or hear and I couldn't move or talk. My friend was trying to talk to me but I couldn't understand her or respond. I don't know how long it was before I finally got up, walked into the bathroom and vomited.
It's embarrassing enough to have something like this happen in the therapist's office- but at the hotel spa and in front of my sane friend? I told her I must have some sort of stomach issue...but that's not really it. No, its more of a 'Grace is crazy and can't deal with normal situations like normal people' issue.
I should have known better! Disney is not magical enough to make me *normal*. I want to talk to DT because she would tell the 5 year old she will be okay. I just want to be okay.
I'm really tired and I want to go to sleep but now I'm too scared.
I don't want to be crazy and scared anymore. I just want to be okay.