Grace rule: Grace does not like to be touched.
In the magic of disney I forgot my own rule when I agreed to spend the morning at the Grand Californian Spa with my friend. No big deal- it'll be fun, right? Wrong! I don't like to be touched. Not lying face down on a massage table practically naked while someone puts their hands on me. My brain cannot make the distinction between 'this is safe' and 'this will hurt' and what was supposed to be a calm relaxing experience ended in panicked chaos.
I forgot how to breathe, and then I couldn't hear anything but the ringing in my ears and a voice screaming, 'dont touch me!' over and over and over. Dizzy and nauseated I moved to the corner of the room and sat down. Too many people, too many questions- not enough space. I couldn't breathe or hear and I couldn't move or talk. My friend was trying to talk to me but I couldn't understand her or respond. I don't know how long it was before I finally got up, walked into the bathroom and vomited.
It's embarrassing enough to have something like this happen in the therapist's office- but at the hotel spa and in front of my sane friend? I told her I must have some sort of stomach issue...but that's not really it. No, its more of a 'Grace is crazy and can't deal with normal situations like normal people' issue.
I should have known better! Disney is not magical enough to make me *normal*. I want to talk to DT because she would tell the 5 year old she will be okay. I just want to be okay.
I'm really tired and I want to go to sleep but now I'm too scared.
I don't want to be crazy and scared anymore. I just want to be okay.
Don't be too hard on yourself Grace. I have the same rule about touch and like you I test the boundaries. Going to the spa was a huge step...even if it didn't work out.
ReplyDeleteMy T often tells me that, in my head I always think I look worse, act worse, and say the wrong things. He knows me socially and says people may think I'm a bit eccentric, but they like me and I appear normal to them. From what you write, I have had similar experiences and no one else ever seems to notice. Make yourself strong, I've seen it in you. You will persevere, just give yourself some time to work past the fear of it. Hugs to you, Grace!
ReplyDeleteTo Exhale: Where have you gone? I hope all is okay.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, Grace. I know how it feels to have it all go wrong if front of someone. And I know the bitter disappointment of trying to do something normal only to have it blow up in your face.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
Exhale, Thanks for the reminder ~ about 7 years ago my boss at the time put on my annual performance review that I am 10x harder on myself than anyone else is...
ReplyDeleteIvory, Interesting..I've never thought about the fact that others on the outside may not see the disaster as I see it from the inside.
Lynn, yeah, sux. It ruins my whole *I'm perfect* external image. You know what a big success it was for you to make it to dinner last summer right?