Friday, November 27, 2009

Packed the WWDTD Paraphernalia away a couple of months it's sink or swim in the emotional hurricanes of Grace

“You are in my thoughts…”
That’s what the standard DT line is now in her emails she still faithfully sends on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. What does that mean exactly? I could say the same thing to the man whore and the host body for they are also “in my thoughts”…. Way the hell more than I would like them to be.

Since I made the decision not to email the therapist anymore with my innermost thoughts/feelings, troubles, psychobabblebullshit (not her decision ~ mine~ but made because I really don't think she read them or truly cared to read them...) I have found that I am way less dependent upon her for I wouldn't call her now if I had an emotional crisis and was standing on the ledge of the New York New York hotel in Vegas.  I just ‘deal with it’. Not that I previously had a delicate gold engraved bracelet with “WWDTD” (what would dear therapist do) that I took off two months ago and carefully stored in a crystal jewelry box, but the email communication between us was like an anchor for me, something to steady me in the turbulent water of this seemingly never-ending trip in and out of hell.  Now its sink or swim, Gracie!  And much of the time I don't really care which of the two outcomes come to pass.

And yet it is clear from the past several emails she has sent that she has no idea what to even say now…so I say what’s the point anymore? Just like everything else~ What’s the effing point? Evidently she has nothing to say to me, clearly I have nothing to say to her…so if we aren’t going to communicate at all ‘in the 3 emails she graciously agreed too’ then why bother? I mean, she doesn’t have time to sit by her computer and compose email as she has so politely told me by her booming words of:

“I have always known how important the emailing was for you, but you developed some unrealistic expectations that were unfair to you and me and that because of the inherent inconsistencies and disappointments in this communication, it created serious repercussions for our working relationship.”
"in those moments of tempting the face of expected rejection/abandonment...make a different choice.”

Those word choices still sting and will continue to ring in my ears when I start to dial the therapist's number or hit the send button in email (as I nearly did tonight....and last weekend, and many times before that in the past 2 months). Yes, she always knew how important it was...just didn't care when she decided it was too much for her.  But it's better this way - because I'm certainly not dependent on her 'care' - and I really don't give a shit anymore.  Yes, this feels much more healthy...I get to figure it all out on my own ~ just as I have always done.  "EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE..." 

But like the energizer bunny she will continue to construct 2 line emails three times a week (as we “agreed” too..that’s a familiar phrase and not just as it pertains to the therapist’s emails) until I tell her I no longer want her to send them (and I’m certain she has her fingers crossed that that will happen soon). Are the emails helpful? They used to be. Now it really feels like it’s just an unnecessary hardship for her. Like that old Dunkin Donuts commercial…”Time to make the donuts”…each Sun Wed Fri…I can almost hear her voice say, “time to email the psycho”. And I won’t be anyone’s “obligation”. Not hers or anyone else’s. I can take care of myself and I will NOT be dependent on anyone else to help me. Ever! Let’s face it…Grace is a more than a handful! And when I have a panic attack, or become overwhelmed, I’ll deal with it, just like I did then, just like I did today. And I don’t need anyone to feel obligated to help me, or feel sorry for me or to “keep poor little Grace in her thoughts”. 

Gee whiz, how important does that make me feel, oh great therapist? That you would actually *make space* for me in your thoughts?  Does it pop up as a reminder in your outlook calendar? “Take a moment to think of Grace”. Give me a b-r-e-a-k!

And I won't bother to tell her about the panic attack today or the fact that I forgot to pack my day meds when I left for vacation and actually felt better without them for the first 5 days of vacation. I won't tell her about the puking or the nightmares or insomnia...frankly, it doesn't seem all that important - and I probably won't remember during the 50 minutes next Tuesday afternoon....

I don’t believe in love and I don’t believe in care…how could I possibly believe that those things are real when the people who were supposed to love me, and protect me, and care for me never did?...and never will! 

Now I shall make haste and finish packing so I can puke, have a drink and then take the prescribed sleeping medication so I can get my standard 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Sweet dreams!
~ Grace