Wednesday, November 18, 2009

To most I seem so strong ~ but I cry myself to sleep every night

Tuesday night, after everyone was safely tucked into bed, alone in the quiet darkness, I cried from the overwhelming feelings of what I can only describe as hoplessness.

Not the "oh, that's so sad I could cry" kind of was open the floodgates the dam has broken SOBBING...tears pouring out of me, nose running, eyes swollen and bloodshot. And once it started it did not stop for hours. 

Today in addition to the swollen and bloodshot eyes I have had a nauseating migraine from all the crying last night and I feel drained and empty. 

Today I feel angry for the 6 month old left in an apartment to die.

Today I feel terribly sad for that little girl who did nothing wrong but was beaten and raped and broken.

Today I feel so much rage for that angry teenager who will not allow her to reach out or feel any sort of comfort.

Today I feel despondent for the girl who has continued to hurt herself and repeat what was done to her because she cannot find another way. 

Today I feel rage for the girl who cannot live in her body because it doesn't feel right or safe.

Today I feel sad for the woman who is overwhelmed with feelings of shame and unable to express her feelings because she cannot trust.

Today I feel sorry for the woman who tried to outrun the pain, the memories, the shame because she couldn't.

Today I feel sorrow for the woman who continues to feel tormented by her past to the point of hoplessness....and I feel angry because she can't escape her own prison of fear and she cannot allow anyone else in to help.

I don't feel well tonight...I am freezing cold, my head is throbbing and it continues to make me nauseous.  I am not doing well...and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the upcoming 'vacation'.  I cannot have another night like last was bad. 

I know..wwwaaaahhhh!  Break out the violins, Grace!  Get a Grip Girl! Ain't no one going to do it for you, or even co-pilot! 


  1. My heart hurts for you Grace; this is a long and hard road that we walk. It takes guts to be honest and to feel what you're feeling. I don't think your having a pity party, your experiencing intense emotional pain your system is grieving, be gentle with each other.

  2. Try to visualize the life you want to have. Seeing it in your mind really can help you reach the goals you are trying to attain.

    It's hard work getting across that chasm that you see between you and what you want... and no one can do it for you, but you can do it, Grace. It's so much better on the other side.