I don’t sleep anymore. The hus tells me I constantly whimper and cry in my sleeip. And I wake up multiple times a night in the middle of a panic attack. I cannot sleep without being terrorized - I get that it’s irrational – and the logical side of my brain tells me that, but the paranoid side is tipping the scales these days…I am not in control really. All the drive and spirit and strength and determination that I used to have has been drained from me.
I feel crazy. I’m paranoid. I am anxious. I’m depressed. I am in the dark place every single night. I just need something to renew my courage and determination. But it just seems like everything is a temporary ray of sunshine in the darkness. Every night is scary...every night a potential set back into self injury hell.
I keep having these panic attacks...I feel dizzy and flushed – nausea that I try to breathe through so I don’t vomit. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere – and I have to stop in the middle of something, grab the wall and just try to breathe. It happens during the day too now not just at night, but I don’t tell anyone. I know I need help – but I can’t ask for help...I’m too embarrassed. This isn’t me. I don’t know who this is...she’s been around way too long – and that makes me scared that she is me forever.