Thursday, November 12, 2009

Be one with the couch

Last night the therapist sent me an email that has left a lot of questions in my head....not many answers, just a lot of questions - none of which I'm sure she would be able to answer from the bucket; which, ironically, I think she likes being in the bucket - sure makes her job easier that way. 
Grace, I know that you are struggling with the fact that you "can't get me out of the bucket". I suspect that there is a reason why this needs to be right now, so try not to be impatient with yourself, even if you are uncertain as to why this is. I know that there is a whole lot of emotion, pain, turmoil and fear behind the humor, sarcasm and apparent confidence when I last saw you. I also know that you are working hard at soothing the parts of you at night that feel overwhelmed, alone and afraid. Remember that your desire to feel "in control" is one way you have found to help you feel strong and fears of vulnerability or feelings becoming out of control continue to rise and fall. This too is ok. Let yourself honor and seek to understand what the renovated "wall" has to serve you and how you can work with it in your own way and time. .....The Therapist
If Grace were to reply, she won't, but if she were, the reply might look something like this:
Dear Therapist,
You and I have worked together nearly 4 years and I am still living most nights in fear, crying until I'm so exhausted I fall into a restless sleep full of nightmares.  And you are now telling me to "be patient"?  You ‘suspect’ there is a reason why you’re in the bucket and I should leave you there? Hum…perhaps because that’s what your preference is too – it is sure easier for you if I leave you in the bucket and NEVER reach out to you for help, huh? It’s so much easier to sit and chat about flavored coffee and gingerbread cookies while the clock ticks away the 50 minutes…and then I get to go home and find myself in the pit of hell because I can’t breathe and I’m panicked and afraid I might die? Oh, don’t worry, I did actually reach out to a friend – and she doesn’t want to be thrown into the slop bucket so she helped me calm down so I could at least breathe – although the fear and crying continued…But at least it all happens at night and not your office where you would have actually had to “witness” it – funny, my friend and I – we have been able to be there for each other…I can help her and she can help me…Yes, I would say that’s what a “relationship” is called – although I don’t think I would say the same thing about “OUR” (yes, you and I) relationship.

But I should leave you in the bucket and be patient? Shall I use the *patience meter* you used when you were cramming DBT down my throat due to my SI Bx? Because you were sure quick to jump on the “Shut up and drug up” and “Shut up and behave” train then, huh? Now that you have no clue what is going on for me…well, other than the fact that I don’t like gingerbread cookies…things must feel much more calm and peaceful for you in your present moment, huh?  Don't worry I would never bother you with the HELL I live in every night - it would 'interfere' with your "present moment" and I surely wouldn't want that!

Yes, there is a reason why you’re in the bucket! Aside from the fact that you want to be in there so you don’t have to deal with me…maybe the “needs” this is meeting are YOURS. Nearly 4 years ago you tried so hard to help me tear down the wall…but now it seems like you were just eager to rebuild it – and ensure it is reinforced. Exactly how is this going to “serve” me? Your last sentence: Let yourself honor and seek to understand what the renovated "wall" has to serve you and how you can work with it in your own way and time.” I think you forgot to add: But leave me the hell out of it! Come back when you want to talk about cookies and milk – not any of the shit you deal with at night.

See, what I am doing right now ~~~ Starving myself in hopes of disappearing so he can’t hurt me anymore at night - (yeah, got it – not nearly thin enough to worry about yet – but it is a goal of mine – I've done it before and I'll do it again.Because you know what a ‘petulant child’ (your words) I can be!)of course you don't want to hear about that!…And at night when I’m afraid and lost – and fighting the one who wants to hurt me – fighting and fighting with the 5 year old and the teenager – trying to hide from him….THIS ISN’T WORKING! Particularly since you do not seem to even WANT to help me – just stay in your comfortable little bucket – where you hear no evil, speak no evil, or see no evil from Grace…

Oh, yes, I am feeling SSSOOOO much stronger and safer now…I am bathed in strength! NO! You just don’t care to hear about the rest of it! You do NOT know how “hard” I am working – nor do you want to know! You don’t want to hear that I do not even feel alive. I am not even real – the “real” me does not even exist anymore! There is just the perfect little shell of a stepford woman who is living for everyone else! I am just going through the motions, being the perfect little cheerleader – if my own THERAPIST doesn’t want to hear about any of this, or help me with it – why the hell would anyone else???? Just shove it all away and deal with it on your own, Grace. AYE AYE- Oh, Captain, my captain. No, this “too” is NOT okay! And if you don’t want to help me, or even try to connect or break down the wall – then why the hell am I wasting my time sitting on your uncomfortable ratty couch week after week?

NO! I DESERVE BETTER! And if you can’t help me, than stay in the bucket forever and don’t tell me you KNOW or I need to HONOR feeling DEAD and FAKE….because I want to live! And NOT LIKE THIS! I do not want to die!  And I cannot continue to 'be patient' for the next 4 years, suffering with no relief, because it will once again lead to self-injury or sui attempts.  Or maybe you don't care about that either as long as it doesn't interfere with your 'present moments' in the bucket?

And as far as your “exposure” therapy goes – I am scared of spiders – ALL spiders – terrified – and I’ve been “exposed” to them for over 38 years…still scared! Are there any cockroaches in your bucket? – I could toss some in for you, you know, for “exposure” therapy.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? No - because you are comfortably seated behind the brick wall!