Sunday, November 15, 2009

Grab your mittens and warm up your vocal cords! Get over it, girl! *Everything is as it should be*

I don't deal with the cold well - and it isn't triggered by the memory of my older brother locking me out of the house, shoeless, in the snow ~ Better to have been locked out of the house than inside the house.

I was having a atrocious weekend until I received such a lovely email from Dr. PollyAnna. Now I am putting on some snow boots and headed outside in the 10 degree weather to make a snow angel in the 7 inches of snow that fell this weekend!  Last night I was struggling, literally fighting with myself not to cut my wrists, and then I got an email from Positive Pauline - and I am bathed in warmth and powdery white! Truly, Optimistic Olive is such a treasure!

This morning when I finally dragged my sleep-deprived, achy body out of bed at 830 – my hips and lower back yelling at me with every step I take each step I take from my bedroom to the kitchen – only to be greeted with the irritated voice of the hus wanting me to finally make the commitment and book a hotel gd!!! – I had no idea the weekend would end up leaving me with such a present moment of peace.

But as you said, you “know” me…you “know” what I struggle with, despite the fact that I don’t email you or call you for help – you “KNOW”….so let me give you a recap… Another weekend past, and I hope that there were some moments that were not all painful, dark and alone for you. No, unfortunately there weren't. But you won't know - because I don't tell you. Because we don't see you as safe now. Let's see - there was the defining moment that began the weekend of spiraling out of control of being pinned down on Friday night and there's no reason to fight because, "Please, you're not strong enough to squash a mosquito." really just went downhill from there....

But then, I got the positive power of these words, and somehow just reading about the beauty of the snow made me strip off the 7 blankets I had covering my aching body and run outside to breathe in the cold air. Despite the cold and snow, there is some beauty in the white blankets of frozen rain. The sounds of busy life and cars are muted slightly and there is a stillness that makes one stop and observe the underlying silence. Sometimes the joy of watching the family dog and children play in the fresh white powder can be slightly smile inducing. I read your words and I truly thought I was reading a beloved Charles Dickens novel. I am still wondering, though, when I might experience the ‘underlying silence’ ~ and the stillness that you write about…unfortunately this weekend I’ve more felt pain and defeat ravaging my body, and my mind is anything but silent.

You always float in and out of my thoughts (like the snow that moves in wind...I know corney :-) These words did actually warm me for a minute until I read that you thought they were 'corny', which, by the way, when you say something is corny- it makes it less believable for the receiver~ that aside, I did think this was sweet of you to say…in an effort to *connect* ~ even though it was clearly a ‘corny' joke, as you state after.   I hope that Tues we can co-create a level of safety for you that will allow you to feel some type of a healing space again. Yeah, I wish us luck with this – because I’m not real sure it’s ever going to happen.  With that in mind, though, remember: "everything is as it needs to be"... and your "Voice" is still inside you, waiting to continue to teach, guide and lead you....See, the “inner” voice I have ~ it “guides” me into darkness and self destructive behavior…both of which you have frowned upon – so truly you don’t think THAT is as it should be, since when it happens you turn into a marsha-obese-pod-person. But that’s the answer, is it? “Everything is as it should be? “Deal with it” because all is right with the world and everything happens for a reason…. You can continue to try to deal with the lingering emotional, mental and physical effects of being fucked as a kid, or you can grab your mittens and warm up your vocal cords and have a rocking weekend in the snow! In fact, maybe you can beam me in the head with a rock hard snowball!

And what a good girl you are, Grace, continuing to make a different choice and not ‘bother’ anyone else with your pain when it bubbles out of your bucket! That in itself is a true FESTIVUS miracle!  You know, what would be really great is if instead of a gingerbread man I could get one of those cool yellow mylar balloons with a giant smiley face on it to remind me to 'half-smile' and stay in the present moment.  But that would be boundary crossing…huh?

As we are rocking around the therapy tree…I’d really like to know some answers and a time line. I’d really like to know why I am still in so much pain. I’d really like to know why it doesn’t get any better for any significant period of time, but instead, just as I get a strong foothold and some confidence and I’m ready to take the next step up, my feet begin to slip again. I can pay for the answers! Not being a ‘present moment liver’ I’ve saved for a *snowy* day. In fact, I’ve got years of snowy days covered, come retirement…and I’d be willing to pay it all to you for some answers! (Let’s face it, we both know that the chances of my living to see retirement are pretty slim anyway).

I’d really like answers, solutions, support. I’d really like to know how to make it stop! Because even though I threw your caroling ass in a bucket and you no longer care to hear about any of it – it’s all still here!!!! ALL OF IT! In fact, right now, it’s getting worse, not better! And I am inches of way from sliding on some black ice right into the snow packed rocky mountains! 

 But all is as it should be….AND! The colts beat New England, coming back for a win after a 17 point deficit…that PROVES all is as it should be! Touche’!
….God rest the merry MHPs, let not the crazies express their pain. Remember Marsha your savior ~ and tell them to *shut up and behave*

I’m really dizzy now – so I should go bury my head in the snow…perhaps the cold will keep me present, in this 87 year old body and help me just “feel” all of this…in my present moment.