Saturday, November 7, 2009

You left me alone in the middle of hell...I'm leaving me too....TTFE!

I'm not doing this again tonight - fighting all of this inside of me. I can't - I'm way to tired to do it anymore. Bury me with my blanket - you can keep the rest!  Let's face it - there may be a 'minute' or feeling pain-free.  But honestly, isn't this terminal?  I'm too tired to do it anymore.  Not tonight. 

I am Grace:
Someone to fuck
Someone to make you laugh
Someone to make you smile
Someone to be here for you
Someone to clean up your mess
Someone to forget about...Until I'm gone...

Don't worry - I won't 'bother' you with my pain. 
I will 'deal with it' after all are in bed...I will NOT reach out.
No one cares anyway - just smile and walk away.
Go ahead and fuck me - I deserve it and I won't be here anyway
It isn't me. 
There is no "me"
I an not real - I am an empty shell
You will never see me cry!
You will NEVER see my pain!
I am broken but you will never know.

In the face of 'expected abandonment or fucking' - you know what you have to do, Grace. 
Yes, I've always known.
**Smile pretty for everyone, Gracie - smile and walk away....


  1. Grace,
    Im here for you too! You can cry and talk anytime you want my dear sweetheart.
    Thank You for being there for me in cyberspace. Thank You for your unconditional care and especially acceptance.
    Safe Hugs ((((Grace))))

  2. I do this to myself too, but don't! You are worth more than you realize. You have so many gifts and talents to offer. Don't give others the power to crush your soul. Reach out, even if it is only here. I care, and it hurts me to read your pain, although I know that we must release it through writing. I have to do the same. Sending safe, warm hugs!

  3. ((((((grace))))))
    cry all you want, scream all you but don't hide. We're here for you!
    xx many hugs and lots love xx
    Hang in there!

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  5. Grace, I have to say that I wish you didn't listen to songs that encourage cutting or suicide. When you want to hurt yourself just to hurt someone else you are really hurting only yourself. If it's permanent, they will go on, without you. You will have hurt ONLY YOU. It's unfair to be angry because someone fails to notice your pain - Just say it. Find someone who will listen, and never NEVER forget that you have a world of bloggers who have been where you are and will be there again. You help each one of us when you reach out to us. You are special and your sensitivity is astounding, get well and help someone else.

  6. Thank you Sapphire, I appreciate your support - and could really use it right now...

    Angel, yeah, writing helps me. I used to write to my thearpist, but i'm not doing that now...and I can't write in a journal because sometimes I have to express what I feel RIGHT NOW - and it will seem completely irrational and crazy - and if the hus read it - it would freak him out... but it helps, it get it out - it always has....

    Zan, I'm not hiding and I can see you...and I'm glad you can see me too....

    JBR, thank you for the hugs...and continued support....

    Well, I guess I wish it too (?) the problem comes to light when there are destructive parts who express themselves and if they only do it through music right now and not thru my skin I can deal with that for SI for over 6 weeks now. It would be difficult for the MW to notice any pain now since he's dead...and it would take too long right now to explain why I never express it to the HB....but it just "is" right now. I have been managing each day pretty well...but fall into the pit of hell on most nights.
    Thank you for caring...