Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Silent all these years...

My mouth opens but nothing comes out....I am not sure why but I am unable to speak now. 

Instead the willful arrogant one shows you her face ~ the one you call 'petulant'.  You do not understand how much pain there is inside of this body, how could you, when the parts who hold the pain are no longer allowed to speak to you.  Instead the ill-tempered one talks; you find her to be 'annoying' and peevish, in fact, it seems as though she feels the need to be on defense all the time.  She is contempuous in her behavior shielding any feelings of vulnerability from you with her supercilious speech.  

She stands behind the wall that has been rebuilt between you and her and the wall is made of brick, the mortar solid and unforgiving.   If you could see behind the icy blue of her eyes as they tell you confidently that she is doing well…if you could see behind her, you would be able to see that all is not okay. You would be able to see that she is not a petulant child, but rather a frightened girl, teenager, woman. You would be able to see that the arrogance and cockiness of her speech and stance, her willfulness…is a defense tactic.  If you could see behind the brick wall you would see that she feels like she has tumbled backwards and she has lost her voice.  

She is not defensive...she is scared.
She is not petulant...she is guarded.
She is not confident...she is uncertain.

If you could see behind the wall, you could see that she waited years for someone to come into her life and tell her that it was okay to tear down that wall.  Behind the wall she chokes back tears of sadness and shakes in fear.  Behind the wall she hides in dark corner...afraid she has now become one more casualty in this bloody war as she struggles to once again find her voice.


  1. Og Gracie Gracie Grace! My dear....I feel as if I am right there with each step of the way. Tonight especially and I dont know why. I feel as if I am feeling the same exact way and speak the same as you..with each struggle behind that WALL. I feel as if my voice is yours. O wish I had words of encouragement but all I can say is that I understand beneath it all, we just want to be heard, to be accepted, to be loved, and most of all to be held in a reassuring way that all will be ok and we are safe. I wish I had more but instead just know that I am here listening as well.

  2. Hey Sapphire, Yeah, I hate that...the wall is anything - a pillow, a smile, make up - anything...all symbolic, I think.
    Yeah, to feel safe and be reassured - that would be nice...