* No getting shit-faced drunk
* No od'ing on benzos and sleeping pills
* No waking up on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood
* No drunk emailing the therapist in fits of dissociative rage...
*** I suppose that's it.
Wait, "That's it"? Hell! That's "Enough"! For now!
I am not 'undermining' the above successes...
I just find it ironic that I can divert my feelings of rage, and desire to control to other ways that are perhaps as maladaptive, but just don't seem to bother anyone else because I have chosen to keep quiet and they don't show on the outside.
See, as long as there's no od'ing, outward cries for help, or visual scabs/scars or burns...no one notices, or cares...because it doesn't show. I cannot believe it took me this long to figure this out! I've decided there is no reason to cut myself to alleviate the overwhelming pain...I've wanted too - but I haven't done it. There's still pain ~ all the time...I just control it in other ways, socially acceptable ways that do not bleed out into other folks present moments.
Stubborn petulant child! She is a willful one, isn't she?
Her secret, you ask?
A pretty smile and a mask...you can get one too - and decorate it however you like...but it must always be worn in public.
I'm so awesome!
Take a bow Grace....Keep Living the Dream, Girl!
and never, ever....ever...cry out loud!
I definitely notice that some coping strategies in the maladaptive category seem more significant to my therapist than others, though they really sort of all seem the same to me. Some are just messier looking than others.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't feel so great to have people happy that you're hiding the pain more effectively. It's the pain that's the problem, not how it looks to others.
My T and I discussed this "phenomenon" just yesterday evening. He said I'm coping so well with what's going on in my life. I tried to explain that I'm falling apart on the inside and I feel as if I can't hold it together anymore. I griped to him that he isn't "seeing" what's really going on, and it is hard to deal with when, inside, we are falling apart or stressed to the max, and because someone cannot "see" it, they assume we are just fine. I think this is the same thing that happens when someone encounters an abused child but cannot see bruises - they believe the child is fine because there is nothing to see. (if that makes sense) But something I learned yesterday was that controlling what people see on the outside, is a way of coping.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Grace. Know that others are experiencing what you are - we are stronger in numbers.
It's sad when the cover-up from childhood has to continue to keep from being hurt as an adult. And why again is it sometimes hard to tell the past from the 'present'? Duh.
ReplyDelete