Thursday, November 5, 2009

NOTHING can change that..."Everything is as it should be..."

I have officicially taken away all communication access: both email and phone access to PAG and the 5 year old.
I think it's better to expect nothing. That way anything will feel like everything - I'm not sure what I really mean by that - I can only say it all made sense in my head. On paper - not so much.

It's so incredibly sad...all of it. 
All of "me" and some others like me.

And I renounce all of it: transference, connectedness, dependency.
I swear! It brings nothing but pain and heartache to me - someone who never ever ever ever counted on anyone to ever be there for me! EVER!  Then all of a sudden someone was?  Whoa!  You mean I actually did matter? 

But the thing is...there's always going to be this 'longing' this internal need - it's not going to go away. 
So I am right now throwing it in a fucking bucket! 

I am NOT EVER letting that stupid kid think anyone will be there and that there's actually someone out there who won't hurt her - cuz guess what?  Ain't true! 

Perhaps reality sucks - but it has to be faced, right? 

I was just outside...I looked up at the stars...make a wish?  Nope - I don't believe in that shit!
I looked at this giant star up in the sky - and I remembered what she said...

"Grace, everything is as it should be..."

Sometimes things just hurt.  Most days it feels overwhelming and I really wish I just didn't exist. 
But in reality, things have just come full circle, right?
You're born alone - you die alone - and that's the reality.
Nothing will change that...not a blue blanket, an angel, a rock, or a necklace. 
NOTHING will change the past.  "everything is as it should be".

Everything is as it should be...I was supposed to be fucked as a kid...I mean yeah, I learned how to give a killer blow job like a 1000 years ago - and I have a fabulous smile, and a great job- that pays great money and I love the people I work with...and my family is perfect...and none of that would have been possible if my mother had actually loved me like a mother is supposed to love her daughter - and my father had actually NOT fucked me like I was his whore.  Yes, I was supposed to bear "THIS" and I was supposed to someday learn to just throw my shit in a bucket and be THIS.  Because everything is as it should be...

Here I am, alone - scared, crying, wishing I could just for ONE NIGHT! Sleep peacefully.  I am going to puke - and that sucks - but every thing is as it should be...

Yes, everything is as it should be...I feel so free now!  I'd run and tell everyone but I don't even know where the fuck I am!
Oh! and I nearly forgot..."all we have is this moment" - yeah, well, this moment SUCKS! as the nights typcically do - so let me "DEAL" with this "MOMENT" ALONE! BY MYSELF! Because if anythone thinks I will ever ever ever expect to "depend on another person EVER - will never happen!  Never again will I be honest with anyone and expect them ot understand.  Clearly!  That has proven to be a mistake.


  1. Everything is NOT as it should be. Some things are, and some things aren't. But I think you know that. I really wish people would understand how such platitudes wound us anew where we already bleed. Most people, in their rush to fix our pain, just don't understand this. I understand your wound, my friend. I do. IT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN - but it was and sometimes it still is. That doesn't mean it should have been. The man whore was an unconscionable pig and I'm glad he's dead. I hate the host body, too. But you? You I totally love.

  2. I agree, NOTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE. You should have been protected. Your father is a baby f$%cking whore - it was not you. You were strong, you survived. Now you will find a way through even this, because your strong or you wouldn't have made it this far. Just sit back in a safe place and let a few minutes pass... and then a few more...


  3. Lynn & Ivory...yeah, nothing huh?
    Lynn, "but it was and sometimes still is." ain't that the truth! I though I might die last night - not at my own hands...just that old trauma thought process that jumps into my maladaptive brain and I can't breathe or think...thank you for being usual...

    I did, and I know i can do this - but GAWD! I need something to help me at night right now. The Holidays SUCK! And I have had a few nights where I cannot even seem to breathe.
    Thank you so much for your does mean a lot...