Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'm so scared! I need DT to hold my hand tonight...

I have so many things swirling around in my head right now – SO many feelings I cannot even begin to name. I feel safer writing than sitting and I am unable to talk about them. I am living in crippling fear…unable to sleep, unable to eat…and fighting with everything inside of me to get through each night. And it’s too much tonight…so much I want to talk, there’s so much to say…but she won’t let me talk. I’m scared. It’s overwhelming me tonight, I cannot breathe and I am poised and ready for flight now.


Nights like tonight…there have been a lot of them…I would reach out to DT and beg her to help me, just to get through this moment…and she would comfort me and tell me that I am okay…but I can’t hear her now. I know I should be able to do this. I am an adult…but I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like a scared little girl- living for others at the expense of my own needs.

I want DT to hold my hand tonight because it is crushing me and I am afraid…

I need it to stop for awhile. I can throw it all in a bucket during the day and I can dazzle the world…so why does it have to hurt so bad at night? Why can’t I make it stop? It's like a pressure cooker...and I can 'contain' it and deflect, and divert attention, but it is bubbling over tonight and scalding me!
What happened? I just want to be okay…I just want it to stop.

7 comments:

  1. Maybe it is from earlier today? Maybe you had to keep certain things in then and now they are coming out?

    ReplyDelete
  2. i dont know but im scared. i just want to be better
    dont know

    ReplyDelete
  3. what happened
    why was i wrong to reach out to dt and she would answer
    how come i cant do that now
    cuz i was bad and too mcuh thats why
    i think i should stp it

    ReplyDelete
  4. No, that's not why. She set up a situation that was not sutainable instead of helping you find some ways to feel a little safer when she's not around. That's why.

    ReplyDelete