I have so many things swirling around in my head right now – SO many feelings I cannot even begin to name. I feel safer writing than sitting and I am unable to talk about them. I am living in crippling fear…unable to sleep, unable to eat…and fighting with everything inside of me to get through each night. And it’s too much tonight…so much I want to talk, there’s so much to say…but she won’t let me talk. I’m scared. It’s overwhelming me tonight, I cannot breathe and I am poised and ready for flight now.
Nights like tonight…there have been a lot of them…I would reach out to DT and beg her to help me, just to get through this moment…and she would comfort me and tell me that I am okay…but I can’t hear her now. I know I should be able to do this. I am an adult…but I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like a scared little girl- living for others at the expense of my own needs.
I want DT to hold my hand tonight because it is crushing me and I am afraid…
I need it to stop for awhile. I can throw it all in a bucket during the day and I can dazzle the world…so why does it have to hurt so bad at night? Why can’t I make it stop? It's like a pressure cooker...and I can 'contain' it and deflect, and divert attention, but it is bubbling over tonight and scalding me!
What happened? I just want to be okay…I just want it to stop.
Maybe it is from earlier today? Maybe you had to keep certain things in then and now they are coming out?
ReplyDeletei dont know but im scared. i just want to be better
ReplyDeletedont know
{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
ReplyDeletewhat happened
ReplyDeletewhy was i wrong to reach out to dt and she would answer
how come i cant do that now
cuz i was bad and too mcuh thats why
i think i should stp it
No, that's not why. She set up a situation that was not sutainable instead of helping you find some ways to feel a little safer when she's not around. That's why.
ReplyDeletedoesnt matter
ReplyDeletestill hurts
still scared