I have so many things swirling around in my head right now – SO many feelings I cannot even begin to name. I feel safer writing than sitting and I am unable to talk about them. I am living in crippling fear…unable to sleep, unable to eat…and fighting with everything inside of me to get through each night. And it’s too much tonight…so much I want to talk, there’s so much to say…but she won’t let me talk. I’m scared. It’s overwhelming me tonight, I cannot breathe and I am poised and ready for flight now.
Nights like tonight…there have been a lot of them…I would reach out to DT and beg her to help me, just to get through this moment…and she would comfort me and tell me that I am okay…but I can’t hear her now. I know I should be able to do this. I am an adult…but I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like a scared little girl- living for others at the expense of my own needs.
I want DT to hold my hand tonight because it is crushing me and I am afraid…
I need it to stop for awhile. I can throw it all in a bucket during the day and I can dazzle the world…so why does it have to hurt so bad at night? Why can’t I make it stop? It's like a pressure cooker...and I can 'contain' it and deflect, and divert attention, but it is bubbling over tonight and scalding me!
What happened? I just want to be okay…I just want it to stop.
~ Welcome ~
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
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7 comments:
Maybe it is from earlier today? Maybe you had to keep certain things in then and now they are coming out?
i dont know but im scared. i just want to be better
dont know
{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
what happened
why was i wrong to reach out to dt and she would answer
how come i cant do that now
cuz i was bad and too mcuh thats why
i think i should stp it
No, that's not why. She set up a situation that was not sutainable instead of helping you find some ways to feel a little safer when she's not around. That's why.
doesnt matter
still hurts
still scared
I know.
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