Oops! I did it again...

I was up all night last night pacing, puking, crying.  Is it possible to panic at the thought of panicking?
The hus finally got up around 330am, saw what a mess I was and let out this huge sigh...oops, I did it again.

The reality is he gets tired of my panicky overwhelming emotions...and he has no idea how bad it truly is right now.  I may have had myhead in the tiolet but at least I wasn't covered in blood. I can't go back there.  I am officially a selfish bitch- but being a high status frequent flyer has perks- like no fee transfers.  The hus has never been to Vegas or Cali and West/South feels safer than East.  And I can just send some flowers to my gramma with a card that says,'In the face of expected abandonment...make a different choice.  Becuz I am the worlds worst granddaughter...esp knowing how much you gave up to keep us all together...and I love you and I'm so sorry...Grace"

I feel a terminal weariness, an intimation of death.  I feel haunted and I imagine this is much how my gramma must feel @ 95- seen it all and no longer has a reason to live.

I feel 'old'- very old. And small and hidden.  And yes, a coward who is still unable to face her past...