Monday, February 9, 2009

Sometimes you start out wrong...and you just keep going.....

I had an appointment with my PDOC this afternoon.
I really like her - she's expensive, but worth it!
I guess when your "good" you can name your own price, and NOT take insurance.
I've seen other PDOCs in the past, and they were all about pushing meds. She isn't.
She asks me questions, the right questions.

But I feel like I've slipped backward since the last time I saw her (which was only a month ago).
She asked about DT - I told her DT obviously doesn't really care anymore since she no longer returns calls, or responds to anything. And in session she never says anything anymore. I told PDOC that at this point I don't know where things stand w/DT - but I don't have an appointment, and I cancelled last week's appt -and of course she never returned my call. PDOC said she was going to call her - she does after every session - but I don't think it will matter. I just don't think DT "cares" anymore - for whatever reason. I told PDOC that I will not see another therapist - I am DONE!

PDOC isn't just an MD - she actually cares and seems to remember what we talk about, even though I only see her once a month. She knows about ED and asked me what I had eaten today - 3 slices of apple. She said that wasn't enough food and that since she knows I exercise nearly every day - that I need to eat. She has been trying to get me to go IOP for ED for months - but I haven't committed to it - but she mentioned it again today.

A few months ago I was cutting daily and vomiting multiple times a day - the intrusive memories and flashbacks and self hate were overwhelming and I couldn't stay present - so I would disassociate and cut and vomit. She asked me about the cutting (only 1 time in the past month!) and the vomiting (not every day, like before - may 2-3x/week).

It's all because she changed my meds when I first started seeing her and the meds I'm now on have greatly reduced the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks- which is good. But the bad part is that for the most part, it's also taken away my ability to disassociate and so I have the "feelings" (the anger, sadness, hopelessness, lonely) and I have to be "present" and just sit with them without hurting myself - since I don't have the TOOLS to deal with the pain!

PDOC is great - but she isn't DT - and I miss DT terribly. :-(.....
Last night I wanted to talk to her so badly - I was crying and

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