Sunday, February 8, 2009

Is anyone in there? *may trigger*

When I feel depressed I withdraw into myself. I turn off my phone at 6 pm, I don't return phone calls or emails, or text messages from friends. I don't reach out to anyone because I don't want to bother anyone else with "MY" problems. Since I struggled with Dear Therapist and her lack of recent communication the past couple of months, and since I told her last week that I see no reason to continue in therapy with her, I have felt more lost and alone than usual. So what do I do? I close myself off from society and crawl into my shell and sleep and read, and sleep some more.

My best friend lives 1200 miles away from me due to a move I made for my career 3 years ago. She has called and left me a voicemail, or two each weekend for the past 3 weekends and I haven't returned her calls. She called me this morning and left me a voicemail and again this afternoon. On the voicemail she left me this afternoon, she was crying and I had difficulty understanding what she was saying. I called her back right away and she was nearly hysterical. And this is what she said:

"I am so alone and I have no one to talk too and you left me and now you won't call me back. I miss you so much and I hate that you live so far away and now I have no one to talk too about what's going on in my life. Why did you leave me? I love you more than anyone else in this world. And I know you have your own shit going on and when you won't call me back I don't know what's going on with you and I feel so disconnected because I can no longer just pull up in your driveway and bang on your door. I need you and you're not here. Why? Why are you not here?"

I didn't know what to say. What a terrible friend I am.
I promised her that I would do better in the friendship and make a concerted effort to call her more, and email. It's just really hard for me right now. I didn't mention that I have eaten nothing but apples and grapes for a week, and I had to force those down.
I didn't tell her how I feel, I couldn't.
I didn't tell her that I drink every night, and take at least 4 ativan just to get through the night. I didn't mention that I filled scripts for ativan and seroquel last Friday and I look at the bottles at least 10x every day thinking I should just take all of it. How easy it would be to just fall into an endless, dreamless sleep. I didn't tell her how much I miss my DT and how hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning. I didn't mention that two weeks ago, I purposely broke a wine glass so I could cut myself with the shards of glass. I didn't say that I cry myself to sleep every night and I have never felt more alone.

I don't know why I didn't tell her these things, but I didn't.
I want my DT :-( so much it physically hurts inside of me.
But the abuser inside of me won't let me call her.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my PDOC - I know she will ask me about DT and I don't know what I'll say. And then after PDOC I have DBT.
I can hardly wait.....


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