Thursday, February 19, 2009

ED knocked ~ I invited him in.....again!

I don’t feel well tonight. I still find it hard to name my ‘feelings’ so I’ll just say I feel sort of anxious and sad. And I can’t really explain why, I can’t point to anything and say, “Oh, that’s why I feel bad tonight.”

I have been doing so much better, emotionally. I haven’t cut in at least 6 weeks, I rarely vomit now, which was something I was doing multiple times a day. Of course, as much as I hate to admit it, I seem to have traded one self-destructive behavior for another. Once again, eating has become a struggle for me. I have only eaten a few apple slices this week. PDOC asked me about it 2 weeks ago, and I was honest with her. She told me it’s a control thing and I’m sure she’s right (She is the ‘expert’ after all).

I haven’t weighed myself, but I can tell I’m losing weight. My husband commented last night that I’m getting too thin and he tries to get me to eat something. But I’m not hungry. Tonight I fed my dinner to the dog when everyone left the kitchen. Gawd ~that makes me sound like I’m a teenager and not a 37 year old woman!

People at work comment on how great I look and it feels validating and motivating. As if it’s a contest…Grace, how many notches did you tighten your belt this week. TWO! Tell her what she’s won!!!! If someone offers me food, I either tell them I’ve already eaten or I’m not feeling well. I have zero interest in food. And the harder someone pushes me to eat, the more I push back and refuse to eat.

In two more weeks I have another appointment with PDOC and she will ask me about it, and I know I have to be honest with her…but I don’t see it as a problem. I am compliant with my medication, I go to the DBT classes (even though I have found ZERO benefit from them), I have seen dear therapist both last week and again today, and I haven’t SI’d for weeks…. Just let me have this. This small bit of control over my own body…. I need this now.
And I don’t want to go to IOP.

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