Saturday, February 28, 2009

Life ain't all Sunshine and Rainbows

Dear therapist once said, "Once you stop trying to escape yourself, you will have won a big phase of the battle because in reality there is no one you presently have to escape or fear. One, because you are no longer a child, and two, because you have more, much more, personal power and capacities to protect yourself then in the past. Remember, you are my 'Rocky-ette' in training, and I am your coach, with a warm parka, hiking boots and lots of stamina. And when I train my prodigies, I make sure they are well conditioned, agile, strong, confident, flexible, and can think on their feet!"

It was so many years ago when I bought a costume of a confident woman with no history of abuse. I was the only one who knew it was a costume, and when I looked in the mirror, I longed to be that woman, the beautiful, confident woman with nothing to hide, and I never that costume off. I pushed away the thoughts, the disgust that was of the past, I could do it ~it was easy. I just had to stay busy, and not leave time to think about it. But one day that all came to a screeching halt and suddenly my life was so painful, an the pain was so intense~ and I wanted to left alone in my pain, I did not want to share the pain I was feeling. I was afraid to explore the darkness that dwelled inside of me, the darkness that I had ignored and pushed away for so many years. I was afraid if the things that lived in my darkness were exposed to light, they would grow out of control, and overcome me, make me weak and afraid, suck me into the darkness until I no longer existed.

But the darkness was not to be ignored, it snuck up on me during the night, it rattled my windows, and wrote vulgar, bitter graffiti on my walls. There was no escape, I could no longer outrun my past, it had caught up with me, now ran beside me, and I knew it would soon overtake me. I began to have panic attacks, waking in the middle of the night, unable to breathe. I needed a coach, a life coach, and I needed one fast! I needed a coach to teach me to run faster, to escape. So I began to search for a coach and when I found one, but rather than teach to me run faster, she wanted me to slow down, to look she wanted me to feel. What? Why would I allow myself to feel, it would just hurt, cause me pain. She told me that I could run until I wore myself out but I could not escape my past or my pain. I had to learn to face my past in order to move forward and heal. When I told her I was scared, that I didn't have the strength to face it, she told me that she would 'train me', stay with me, help me find the strength within me that she could see. The strength I saw in her was a reflection of the strength I was seeking for myself.

Rocky Balboa said, "It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving much you can take and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, then go get what you're worth...but you have to be willing to take the hits."

I have been hit time and time again in this process. I have had black eyes, bruised and cut skin, broken bones and a shattered spirit. And when I could not find the strength, she would help me, encourage me and cheer me on. I am moving forward, and I am starting to see my worth.

No comments:

Post a Comment