Friday, February 27, 2009

Am I Willing to Take that Chance?

I called out: both verbally and non-verbally.
I was SCREAMING! But no one seemed to hear me. Not even DT…she now saw only the symptoms, the behavior, not the underlying problem. The approach now was to STOP THE BLEED! A tourniquet approach. And I thought to myself, well, if she can’t help me, no one can, so I thought about giving up. I decided that I couldn’t take it, especially alone. I had no strength left, no coach to cheer me on…maybe I could just fade away.I think my erratic, self-destructive behavior scared my dear therapist. Imagine, a therapist, one trained in this process, scared. And the fear led her to seek shelter, so to speak, to seek support from other clinicians, to alleviate the fear she felt. And to know, with confidence, that she was doing “what she, and probably others, thought was best for me” during that time. I made her ‘uncomfortable’. God forbid I ever be a burden to anyone! I think you get the idea…my behavior set of a chain of events: it went like this:
I was self-destructive
Which made DT fearful, which led to seek comfort and advice from other clinicians
Which made her change her entire approach
Which frustrated me and made me feel abandoned
Which triggered the abandonment issues I had as a child
Which made me act out in an even more self-destructive way
Which lead her to become rigid and clinical, to the point of threatening hospitalization
Which lead me to take a more active approach by seeking out PDOC who changed my medication
Which cleared my head from the intrusive thoughts and self-hatred
But consequently did NOT change DTs approach back to the supportive, caring T she was previously
Which frustrated me even more to the point that my frustration grew into anger & because of the ‘new-found’ clarity~ begin to research and learn about treating trauma/PTSD/the resulting ‘personality disorders’
Which made me feel educated
Which in turn improved my communication with her and my ability to discuss my ‘needs’ from the *therapeutic relationship*.
The direct communication lead to my full disclosure of my feelings, and what I had taken away from the past 6 months, or so.

(shall I draw a diagram)

But what did not happen, what has not happened, during this process: is my ability to forgive her for my perceived abandonment of care. And because she abandoned me, I no longer trust her. And since I no longer trust her~ she no longer represents a ‘safe container’ for me, and so I cannot allow her to see the innermost parts of myself, I cannot share with her in the ways that I previously did~ because I am always on guard, high alert…. And the thought that permeates my mind continuously: “If I allow myself to trust her again, she could, and probably will, do it again at some point.” And even though there is a small part of me that wants to trust her, my reason mind is much stronger, overpowering that part of me, blowing out the dimly flickering light of possible trust. She could break me again if I let her….I got through it this time, and I am okay, well, except for the feelings of anger and betrayal, but maybe that wouldn’t be the case next time.

I ask myself every day, “I am willing to take that chance?”
And every day I answer myself, “I don’t know.”

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