Dear Therapist

Dear Therapist,

Tonight when I arrived @ DBT, “emotional counselor” was reading the book, ‘Women who hurt themselves’, and she said it was a great book, and really gave her a different perspective on women who SH. I mentioned the book during the ‘assessment/interview’ the first time we met. I don’t know if you have read the book I gave you, or not, but I was happy to hear another clinician validating my thoughts about the book. I still don’t agree with the concept of DBT, and Marsha’s voice, or the sight of her – like fingernails down a blackboard. But I wanted to tell you that you were right, about my broadening my support network (clinically speaking) – I really do like both PDOCand Emotional Counselor. I’m glad you continued to press that. I think they’re both quality, caring clinicians.

I have felt very ‘emotionally regulated’ these days (lamictal complimented w/seroquel)– in fact, I feel kind of numb – but maybe my body will adjust to the new dose of lamictal and that will lesson. I guess I’ll find out when it happens. Minimal anger, practically no sadness – for real - I don’t think I could hurt myself if I wanted to and tried.

Which makes me think – if the meds (and at this point – I believe it’s all medication related – my thoughts are clear again, and it makes me wonder if ‘revisiting’ the past is really what I want. Good or bad – it is what it is – I don’t know what that means really – like if I can ‘accept’ it and move on. And maybe someday help someone else. I don’t know – just thoughts. (I know – thoughts that need to be discussed IS – not EM). But I’m wondering why bother?

Last night, dear daughter was ‘emotionally disregulated’ and when I tucked her in to bed, she asked me to come back and check on her in 10 minutes. I didn’t really want to go back upstairs – I was busy cleaning the kitchen…but then I thought about how important it seemed to her, and it wasn’t really ‘putting me out’ so I did…and she was so happy, exclaiming, “YOU CAME BACK!”… and I was glad that I did. I tell you that because I made a connection with that, and how I used to view ‘you’….as validating, ‘there’ for me, etc…and perhaps I didn’t tell you how much it ‘helped’ me to know you were there, maybe I didn’t shout, “You ARE here for me – you ANSWERED me in a time I needed you”….but that’s how I felt. And in that moment, I knew how dear daughter would have felt if I would have decided not to check on her in 10 minutes – I didn’t really agree to do it, I heard her say it, but I didn’t commit. She would have felt like I did, when you started chanting, “DBT-marsha linehan has all the answers” maybe she would have felt like I didn’t care, like she didn’t matter to me because her ‘perception’ of my caring depended on that. Sure, she would have gotten over it, forgiven me because I’m her mother, but still, I was glad I did it.

But I have not forgiven you for changing. Despite what you may think, I did feel accepted and validated by everything you did for me, for being there for me when I needed you. And although I realize you did what you thought you needed to do to “keep me alive”~ and I heard what you said the past 2 weeks during our “sessions”, I still disagree, and I still feel abandoned by you. I know that I looked you in the eye and said that to you 2 weeks ago, so I’m not expressing something to you right now, in writing, that I didn’t say in session. You kept me alive by accepting me and caring about me and being there for me and validating how I felt. Not by changing into someone I perceived as abandoning me. That just made me feel like you didn’t care at all, which, if it was your intention, it sure made me independent again~ but from a trusting therapeutic standpoint, it really just makes me feel abandoned, invalidated, and distrusting of you now. And therefore I am afraid to tell you anything else about me, and my past - because I no longer feel accepted by you.

“Sincerely”
Grace