Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Solace through Writing

I am so tired tonight~ I don't know if I even have the energy to let out the tightness I am feeling inside my chest. I don't want to lie down, or close my eyes ~ I fear I will become overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I find solace by clicking the 'create post' button and typing in this box. Writing is cathartic for me.

I sit here, night after night, oblivious to the storm raging in my head....please, don't let me hear....please, make me not feel anymore....and I barricade myself, waiting for the night to end.

Some days I feel like this is HELL ON EARTH
It's on these days when I swallow my screams, I tell myself "this too shall pass"...and I hear a faint voice inside my head echo my thoughts....'soon...soon...soon', she tells me. There is no use screaming, or begging, or reasoning with with myself, or the others within me. Please don't let me lose it tonight...I don't want to fall back is not worth it.

WHY? I ask the question in my mind over and over again: WHY? WHY? WHY?
There is no answer tonight, there is never an answer. There is only anger, and sadness, and so much pain. I don't want to hate. I tell myself I don't have to take it anymore...soon...there is an end. His face taunts me, his angry voice fills the silence, his sarcastic laugh envelopes me in fear, his evil snort makes me cringe, his stale breath makes my skin crawl.

Where are you? I cannot find myself. Some days I see a shimmer of hope which I visualize with every beat of my heart. But I no longer hold any *expectation* ~ it's easier this way.

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