Friday, February 13, 2009

It is a violation - just like being raped

I’m not having a good night – I need to say this and I’ve no one to say it too…. No one who will understand. Dear Therapist used to “get me” but she obviously doesn’t anymore. And I don’t know how I really “feel” about that…”how does that make you feel” – shitty – thanks for asking. Shitty, abandoned – no different than my childhood really – no different at all. Just validation – anyway, I digress…..

Someone walked into my office and took my blackberry – took it – as though that is an acceptable way to act in society…just take what you want - it doesn’t matter who it belongs to- if you want it, take it. And it felt like I was violated – like nothing is safe and anyone can just take whatever they want - even if it doesn’t belong to them….

I called my IT department, to let them know – and so they could clear my email (which had confidential information on it – salaries, performance ratings, etc – of the staff) and email communication between me and my mangers, my boss…. And the director of the IT department is so helpful and nice – every time I call her –and I appreciate her prompt response and her helpfulness.

Everything was taken care of in a matter of 2 hours – my phone was disabled, everything was cleared from it – all emails, etc….and a new phone is being sent overnight to me via fedex…..I am often astounded by the promptness – but then again, of they expect me to be on call 24/7 – of course they are prompt….

So the director of the IT department, was taking the whole “empathetic role” and said to me, “I know how it feels to have something taken from you – it feels like you’ve been raped.” And it just hit me the wrong way – I could feel my face and chest getting red and hot and my breath quicken, and I wanted to say, “Yes, it feels like a violation – someone took something that belonged to me – but is is NOTHING like being raped." It is not even close to being beaten and forced to have sex with your father. It is not even the same SPORT as being raped at knifepoint and then F’D with a knife – and you wonder if you will even live to see the sun rise again. Yes, it sucks, and it feels like a violation – but it does not feel like being raped.” NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!It is NOT the same!
I know she didn't mean to trigger me - I know she meant well... and I'm not angry - but I am feeling "down" - and alone.

I am drinking too much again – and I know it – I’ve been doing better but it’s funny how something small can send you reeling back again.
But it isn’t the same – it’s a phone!

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