Tuesday, February 3, 2009


For someone who grew up learning NO boundaries, but instead, with the understanding that I was born for other people's pleasure, that my body was not my own and could be used by anyone, anytime and anywhere - the concept of boundaries was foreign to me.

Entering into a therapeutic relationship as an adult, I needed someone to teach me, boundaries, among other things. The trauma of my past is so shameful for me that to this day, I cannot speak of it aloud. After I had been seeing my therapist for nearly 2 years, she offered to let me email to her things I wanted her to know, but was unable to say. And I found that I was able to do this, that the screen between us, allowed me to feel safe enough.

She responded to my emails, letting me know she could "hear" me, would "hold my pain" that she was "with me" in her heart, even when she was not physically present. She validated me, cared about me! For the first time in my life someone saw the "real" me and wasn't disgusted by my past.

Suddenly though, something changed. The *BOUNDARIES* of our relationship changed. And the change happened with no communication to me. She stopped responding to my emails, and she made no effort to explain why, even when I asked her. She told me that I was to talk about "trauma" in session - not in emails - but never explained why this was allowed in the past - and now it had changed.

I am confused as to why the sudden change and angry at her lack of communication.
I no longer trust her - I no longer feel safe.
It must be my fault. She must now see me as I see myself: shameful and hopeless.
I can't be helped. He should have killed me when he had the chance.

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