Saturday, February 7, 2009

Please just let me be numb

I want to be numb. I don't want to feel any longer.

I remember in the 80s a popular song was:
Red, red wine you make me feel so fine......

I've been drinking red wine tonight, and taken a couple of ativan with a shot of vodka and I'm still not completely numb.

What can I do to just be numb and no longer feel any of this bone crushing pain.

How does anyone get through this?

I leave my mask on all day long, and ignore the lump in my throat that never goes away, making it nearly impossible to swallow. All day I choke back tears - and anticipate the darkness, when my husband and children are asleep and I can finally let loose the tears of sadness and anger, and remorse and hopelessness that have been building inside of me all day long.

Alone, I cry until there are no more tears, and I fall asleep from exhaustion.
Then I sleep for 3-4 hours and the whole process begins again.
It doesn't get any better.

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