Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I was watching a video on YouTube, it was called, Chinese Translation.
In the video, a young man asks a "wise old man" 3 questions:
1. What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
2. How does a man like me stay in the light
3. And if everyone says that life is so short, then why is the night so long

Why does the night seem so long?
The anxiety I feel as night approaches is at times unbearable. I talked to my PDOC about it and she told me to take 2 ativan - instead of 1 and see if that helps. I am about medication compliance, so I take 1 ativan around 8, another at 9 - then I take Seroquel around 10(ish). The meds seem to help (or perhaps it's the wine I wash them down with?) .... well, something is helping with the dissociation.

Now, rather than finding myself on the bathroom floor with a razor or some glass, I find myself in a chair, clutching a blanket....sometimes just quiet sadness, other times it's his voice I hear - only now I can't escape it. I have to just "be" - and when that happens, I can't sleep and I feel so so sick to my stomach. And I wait it out - I wait for the meds to take affect, and just before I fall asleep, I stumble up the stairs into my bed for a few hours.

But it's "okay" - because I am "managing". There's no blood ~ there's no cutting or burning myself. I "sit" with my feelings and my nightly mantra is to remind myself that I am "okay", I am an adult, I'm no longer a child~he is dead, he can no longer hurt me. Only I can hurt me now.

And every night I find myself wondering if this is as good as it gets. Maybe there is no *finding a life worth living*, perhaps instead, it's *finding a life worth 'tolerating'. And I can accept that. For now.

I accept that in order to not exhibit self-destructive behavior that no one wants to see, that I take a strong mood stabilizer every morning, and every evening I wash down 2 ativan and some seroquel with alcohol, and "accept" that this is me. - there's no one else here, there's no one else who can help me, no one else to care. I accept that I am a strong, independent woman, who has always, and still can, take care of myself....and it's okay - because I accept that right now this is the best I can do.

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