Friday, February 20, 2009

Week 2 - Repair and Continue or Closure

DT heard me last week, I was confident of that, but I still was unsure of what she would decide to do. Would she be willing to meet me somewhere in the middle, or was she married to her recent ‘approach’ and plan of treatment? During my appointment this week, we discussed many of the things I had covered in our previous session. She told me that she did not see anything ‘unreasonable’ in my list of ‘things I need’ from the relationship, she showed me her ‘treatment plan’ for me, and she shared with me her thoughts about ‘our therapeutic relationship’ and my treatment the past few months. DT told me that I had been exhibiting self-destructive behavior that seemed to grow to the point of her having to take control of the process and intervene, and make some decisions that she knew I would not like (hum….like becoming completely non-communicative, threatening to put me into the hospital, only preaching DBT to me for weeks?). I believe the official term is ‘therapy interfering behavior’. I will take complete responsibility for my behavior – there were times when I would disassociate to the point that I was no longer present in my body, and I would only know what I had done the previous evening by reading the emails in my *sent* box. DT then said that now, in the present she doesn’t think my behavior is interfering, and I seem to be in a better place, emotionally, and I agree. She went on to say that she understands how damaging it was for me to have her completely take control and put some things in place in order to keep me alive and allow her to sleep at night.

She and I spent a lot of time talking about trust – I told her that because of her recent ‘behavior’ I no longer trusted her. In fact, I viewed her complete change in approach, and lack of communication no differently than I viewed my own mother abandoning me as a child. And since I no longer trust her, I wasn’t sure if I could continue working with her, and be vulnerable, since she could not be trusted. DT said this is ‘all part of the process’ – and my response to that was I was really tired of wasting my time and money week after week to work on the ‘issues’ she and I had!

DT told me she does care about me (I roll my eyes at that – I’d care about someone too if they were paying me $100.00 an hour every single week) and she wants to continue to work with me, to try to help me ‘find a life worth living’ (what’s that about anyway? That phrase!)

“So, where do we go from here?” – complete silence in the room. I didn’t know what to say.
What if I say I want to walk away and then I regret it?What if I say I want to continue only to find that I can’t rebuild the trust that I lost in her?

Finally, she broke the silence by saying that she would like me to come back next week so we can talk about the emails I sent to her in Jan and Feb (the emails contained information about my lack of faith/trust in her and the mental health profession as a whole, my interpretation of the *new* DT, and DBT…as well as information on the ‘research’ I took upon myself to do when began to feel like she wasn’t being honest with me about the treatment plan). I hesitated, but then agreed to an appointment. A part of me doesn’t want to continue, a part of me is holding onto the belief that she can’t be trusted and is using me as a resource to make her monthly car payment ~ but another part of me does believe that she cares…at least that’s what I see in her eyes….and that’s the part I went with. Maybe because I so desperately want to have someone know the ‘real’ me and still care.
I don’t know.

But as I was leaving, she said to me, "I am not perfect, I am human and I am going to make mistakes. But maybe through my imperfections, you will realize that you do not have to strive so hard to be perfect. It's okay to be human."

*Eyebrow raise* From Grace

DT Response: "Maybe a little?"

See you next week, DT....see you next week

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