Monday, February 2, 2009

I think T and I are at a "therapeutic impasse"

And it sure pains me to say it - We've had a "therapeutic relationship" for 3 years. But lately, it seems like all we do is try to work out the "issues and frustrations" we have in therapy - which leaves NO time to work on MY issues - and not only do I feel like I'm throwing money away - for weeks now - I am more frustrated when I LEAVE therapy than before I go.
She used to validate me, and make me feel *safe*.
But now she is this cold, clinical woman in a white lab coat who really has no interest in seeing and learning and helping ME - she sees me only as a set of symptoms and I've now become a lab rat. I have tried to work it out with her, but at this point, I find myself wondering if it is just downright unhealthy for me to continue in this constant pattern.
I have wondered if she has pulled away because she doesn't know or understand how to work with me, and perhaps this is her way of "letting me down gently" rather than telling me she can't help me.
I've tried on the different feelings I might have if I decide not to go this week: anger, sadness, despair, invalidation, resurface of old trust issues .... of course no one has any idea I'm taking this little trip in my head.
Last week when I called her to tell her how frustrated I was about the blurred boundaries and lack of communication about treatment plan, and I asked for an extra session for early this week - she didn't even call me back! Still hasn't - and that was 4 days ago!
Shouldn't I see that as "abandonment"?
At this point I would rather die than step foot in her office! Which USED to be my "safe place"
Therapuetic rupure of the carotid artery - bled out - DOA - my final answer!

1 comment:

  1. Although it seems there is an atmosphere sad, disappointed and prustasi, but hope the abundance of healing by prayer in this therapeutic relationship. Yes, yes, yes, be patient!