Thursday, February 5, 2009

If only I had the guts....

I would never do it - but tonight I feel like it.
I feel so alone and I just want the pain to end - the pain that is woven through my heart and soul. I cannot escape it.
Every night, I spend at least an hour, crying, inconsolable - trying to calm myself down by rocking and telling myself I am okay. But I'm not okay.

I really didn't think I could be hurt anymore than I had been as a child.
But guess what? I was so very wrong.
It isn't over yet.

As if it wasn't enough, I now feel like I have to grieve the loss of my 'dear therapist' - because she no longer communicates and tries to treat me like a "textbook" PTSD/BPD case. I have tried to work it out, but it hasn't gone anywhere - and now I'm just too tired. I want to just lie down and sleep - permanently. Peacefully.

My words are no longer heard - they echo throughout an empty room, the room that used to house my heart - but no more.

I bleed - and I breathe no more........
The world is just too big for a small girl like me................

1 comment:

  1. I know the type of pain you're talking about. I hope only safe, gentle hugs are okay.