Saturday, April 4, 2009

You've heard of 'drunk-dialing'

Now let me tell you about 'drunk-emailing'.
I won't lie, my alcohol consumption has increased quite a bit in the past couple of months. I have told both PDOC and DT this. And it is because I cannot escape the voices inside my head that are constantly talking and feuding. Fear unexpectedly runs through my body like an electrical current heightening my senses for the upcoming terror of body memories that are sure to follow.
And when the above happens, which is happening with frightening frequency barely leaving room for an intermission, I self-medicate. Well, that's not entirely true. First I try the anti-anxiety meds PDOC prescribed, and when that doesn't work...then I self medicate.

Last night was a 'buffet' of liquor, ativan and klonopin. It started with 2 Michelob ultras, the main course of 2 very strong vodka and cranberry mixes...and 2 glasses of Chardonnay for desert.

After I have become fully satiated with alcohol, and my inhibitions melt away, I have no problem telling anyone exactly what I'm thinking. I've had a lot on my mind the past few days. I feel frustrated and panic stricken. And the new found *honesty* DT has shared with me has made me feel as though I have been discarded into the garbage like yesterday's coffee grounds. I am angry and hurt and the feelings are not cyclical ~ they are constant. Last night, in a string of drunken emails, expressed exactly how hurt and angry I was, and continue to be.
I had no hang-over when I woke up today, but after checking my email sent box, I have remorse. Although I spoke my *true* feelings...I was honest but not tactful in expressing my thoughts.
If alcohol intensifies your personality, I'm a colossal bitch!
And some things are better left unsaid.

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