Tuesday, April 7, 2009

TRUST & faith, belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, reliance

The sordid talk of “trust”…

A recent email communication has inspired me to research and clarify the word “TRUST”. What does trust mean to you? When you set your alarm at night, do you ‘trust’ that it will wake you up in the morning? What happens if one day, it doesn’t? Would you then ‘distrust’ your alarm clock? How many chances would the alarm clock have to fail you before you shopped for a new, more reliable one?
Do you ‘trust’ that someone received something you left for them, or do you follow up to ensure receipt?

“The Doctor-Patient relationship is based on “TRUST”

I don't remember a time I 'trusted', truly trusted, anyone. That is until I began working with dear therapist. I was thinking about how it takes a lifetime to gain trust and only a moment to lose it....sadly.... And I was reviewing the times the word 'trust' has been written or spoken by DT in the past 2 years. I dare say she has written, or said, the "T" word more in the last two years than I've ever said in my entire life!

Examples: (as you can see, I'm all about the 'evidence' *big grin*)
DT said: it took you over a year to develop the trust to let me know some things directly from your words....
DT said: Give ME your hate - because I am not making the pain go away. I won't go anywhere if you do. Trust me.
DT said: I ask that you try to trust what I am saying here and continue to commit to this our work together.
DT said: I trust in you and the strength of our working relationship.
DT said: you can trust that I and others will be there to help and support
DT said: You will continue to challenge my concern and trustworthiness because this is what you have needed to do to protect the fragile self that has over learned self reliance.
DT said: I will not abandon you because you are only going to lean into "trust and need" to the extent that you are not collapsing
DT said: You are slowly growing in your capacity to tolerate these feelings in the presence of another trusted person - NOT AN EASY TASK!
DT said: I understand is a long process and trust/fear/shame is involved
DT said: Building trust with others and within yourself takes a long time.....given your starting position
DT said: I insist that we have the trust and honesty about how you are doing and what you need.
DT said: There is so much learning, relearning, trusting, questioning, testing that you are doing. I trust that you will give it your best and your best will be good enough
DT said: Rest your head and trust that you are safe in your space right now., no one is going to hurt you and you are wrapped in your blue blanket with my faith enclosed.
DT said: I accept your anger at me for this (not that I like it..) and I trust that we will continue to work through new challenges honestly
DT said: As you learn to trust and open up with the shame and fears and we keep you fully in your body during these times
DT said: Fundamental trust in the therapy relationship can take years and you are getting there slowly and slowly is necessary…
DT said: make arrangements with 'best friend' or someone else you trust to take your meds and give you only enough for 2 days at a time.
DT said: I trust that you will bring your fears, needs and whatever else shows up
DT said: you are in the middle of a giant, long term test of me and others on whom you might have some trust.
DT said: If I gave that impression, then that was my own "stuff" getting in the way of trusting you in knowing what is best for you.
DT said: The nature of your trust, distrust, anger, perceived loss of me is a major "therapeutic" aspect of your healing and our work together.
DT said: you can trust that I and others will be there to help and support.

Wow! That's a WHOLE lotta "TRUST" to push and push and push....and then to shatter into a million pieces in only a moment....
Did DT teach me to "trust"? Yes, she did.
...but more importantly, she taught me that it isn't safe to trust anyone. Not even a therapist who extended a 'life-line' to you every singe night for 2 years.
I "trust" that she isn't "here" tonight.
I trust that she discarded me and left me here alone to try to put back the shattered pieces of my life...by myself!!!

Just as she trusts I will make the best decision for myself. (that sounds to me like she has thrown the perverbial 'trust' ball back into my court)

Dear Therapist, I see your "trust" and I raise you a "discarded, shattered, afraid, little girl"...who, after 3 years and thousands of dollars working with you....is back to trusting no one. And more deeply wounded than ever. I trust that the knife in my back will hurt for years to come. And I trust that the bad taste in my mouth will remain after 3 tins of altoids.

Trust....my new 'drinking' game...I will drink 1 glass of wine every time I hear, or read, the word 'trust' ~ I should be sufficiently drunk, or at least buzzed, the majority of the time!

Trust....trust - no - one!


  1. JBR - LOL! Yes...*trust* me...I'm STILL trying to "digest" it....
    In fact, I'm still trying to *swallow* it!