Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Perhaps she missed the "first do no harm" class

Last night I decided that I hadn't been sufficiently invalidated by dear therapist...I had SOME sense of worth yet, and to me that just isn't acceptable. So...I called her and tried (AGAIN) to explain my pain and hurt at her 'changes', and after a bit of conversation, I asked her if I could come in for an appointment today (Tuesday). 9am was her only availability, and I needed to check my calendar, so I told her, if she agreed, I would check my calendar, and if it was open, I would send her a text message letting her know that the time worked for me.

My calendar was free so last night I sent her a text telling her I would see her at 9 am this morning. Well, I arrived at her office 5 minutes early and waited until 9:10 - no DT...so I called her...no answer. I left her a voicemail letting her know that I was at her office and I would wait until 9:15 - for her. She called me at 9:12 and said, "Grace, as we left it last night you were to send me a text message letting me know if you were available at 9. I did not get a text message from you so I assumed you weren't available and that is why I am not there." Um...the text is in my sent box and it was NOT returned, nor have I ever had someone not receive a text. When I told her this, she responded, "Well, I don't know what else to say, I didn't get it." She actually said, "You can check my phone." Give me a break! Why would I check her phone - and if it isn't on her phone, it's not like she couldn't have deleted it! Way to be defensive though! I find that people only get defensive when they're trying to cover something up, perhaps lying about something?

She then told me she was "happy" to reschedule the appointment for me later this week, and she would "wait" for me to contact her about a time. I told her not to hold her breath waiting for my call! WTF? I sent the text to her as an attachment in an email, to show her that I did, in fact, send her the text message at 10:36pm. And I'm sure she DID get it, too. Perhaps she overslept.

I cannot begin to tell you about the overwhelming feelings I have right now. I want to scream, throw something, hurt myself, get drunk... I FUCKING HATE HER!!!! But what really sucks is that I hate myself even more. Why do I keep going back again and again? I don't understand it. And every time she says she wants to help me, but she really doesn't...maybe she really hates me too and that's why she continues to hurt me.

Perhaps she overslept on the day they taught the "first do no harm" class.

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