Monday, April 20, 2009

Preservatives Kill!!

I have an *clear throat before whispering* eating disorder…there, it’s out there, I said it. First step, right?
Food and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to hate myself and when I do, food does not ‘comfort’ me. Some people live to eat and I am not one of those people. It is a constant struggle…there are days when I’m able to eat and there are days when I cannot face food, days when the thought of eating makes me nauseous. On days I feel really depressed (like reach UP to touch bottom depressed) and showers of self hate are raining down on Grace ~ I don’t eat because food is nourishment and I don’t deserve it. Realizing this is just an ‘underlying’ symptom of an even larger problem (a branch off the tree, so to speak) I try to compromise as best I can with PDOC and nutrition to ensure I don’t starve myself to death.

My last appointment went something like this, well, the part of the conversation where "ED" was discussed:
PDOC: Grace, how’s the eating going?
Grace: Um… food ~ I can take it or leave it.
PDOC: What are you ‘taking’ and what are you ‘leaving’? Remember, the intensive out-patient program at LaLuna is still an option, and one I strongly suggest we 'explore' again.
Grace: I really don’t think that’s necessary. I eat...mostly fruit. Apples, grapes…the occasional blueberry.
PDOC: What about protein?
Grace: Well, I can’t really eat meat – I’m sure it’s a phase, but the texture and thought of eating meat grosses me out.
PDOC: What about peanut butter then. Can you eat peanut butter with the apples?
Grace: I think that’s a compromise I can live with. I’ll give it a try, thank you for the suggestion.

Each morning, I take a zip lock bag of sliced apples to work. And each evening I bring the leftover apples home and put them in the fridge and the next day, I take the apples out again and carry them to work again…and each day I repeat this process (I’m very predictable)
I tell you that to tell you this: I’m sitting in my car waiting for DBT class to begin, and DBT friend rides by on her bike, stops beside my door, looks in the car, sees the bag of apple slices and says, “What is that?” To which I reply, “apples”. She asks if I buy them already sliced and I confirm that I do. I thought the conversation was headed to the ‘wow you’re really lazy if you can't slice your own apples' arena…but I was wrong.
DBT friend said frantically, “Do you realize how many preservatives are in the pre-sliced apples???”
I reply, “No, but since I can take the same bag of apples back and forth to work for 4 days before they become slimy, I’m guessing a lot!”
DBT friend says with concern, “You really should buy ‘organic’ fruit. It’s the healthiest and there are no preservatives.

I laughed out loud! Um…considering we’re both in a class to learn to ‘regulate’ our emotions and learn ‘distress tolerance’ skills in order to maintain some sense of normalcy in the midst of society as a whole…the entire topic of ‘preservatives kill’ just seemed so out of place. My friend clearly admits there are weeks she can’t even get out of bed, and in the last 2 years I have actively pursued the ‘alternative’ to life (through the concepts of an excessive amount of pills and bleeding out)…and not to leave out the fact that she makes decisions not carefully processed through her frontal lobe, and I have 5 children running around inside of me waiting for a moment of weakness so they can take over and engage in self-destructive mayhem on ‘us’ when their needs aren’t met…it seems unlikely that it would be preservatives in a bag of apples that will be the demise of Grace or DBT friend.

After I stopped laughing, I validated her concerns, and we walked into class together; me in my business suit and 4 inch heels, perfectly manicured nails, and freshly applied lipstick, and she in her hemp clothing, crocks and ball cap. What can I say; I do appreciate her concern about my ‘physical’ health.

Oops! That reminds me, I left the bag from today in my car, and it was 75 degrees here today…I’d better run out and grab them and get them in the fridge, so they’ll be fresh for tomorrow!


  1. Hi. I followed you over from a comment at Girl Anachronism's. Just wanted to say that this quote blew my mind.

    "and I have 5 children running around inside of me waiting for a moment of weakness so they can take over and engage in self-destructive mayhem on ‘us’ when their needs aren’t met"

    Oh my goodness, yes. I know this well.

  2. Superlagirl,'s so very true isn't it?
    I mean the noise, noise, noise, noise...and if I let my guard down they can and do take over my body and it's hell trying to get them to relent!, huh?