Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I am crying...but she no longer hears me...

You know how you have one of those days at work where time is crawling by and you want nothing more than for the day to be over and it feels excruciating? But then you put your nose to the grindstone and just slug it out. And you don’t stop until the end of the day.

That’s how I feel today, only I have different work to do. And the work I have to do is like that project you put off because you just don’t want to do it. It’s that file you put on the bottom of everything and just hope it will resolve itself. But you know it won’t. Every day you pick up that file thinking today may be the day you’ll get started. But you don’t. You have questions about some of the material in the file, you aren’t sure what to do, and you’re unable to complete the project because there’s nobody around to answer your questions. You have left several messages for her, the woman who was supposed to answer your questions, but she hasn’t called you back. And now you're angry because you need guidance! You need her help you, you can't do it on your own! But it's been too long now. She isn't going to call you back~ she isn't going to give you the directions you need to complete this project. You know that you're on your own now.

That’s how I feel right now. The file before me is filled with my life, my past, and my painful memories. It contains my feelings of shame, sadness, anger…hopelessness and worthlessness. The project is to take each page and fit it together like a puzzle…and once the puzzle is together, the project will be complete and I will be whole.

But I don’t know where to start.
I am lost.
I feel like a ship without a rudder.
A sailboat without a spinnaker.
I am a tourist without a guide.
I am a lost child without her mother~ alone and frightened.
I am crying…but she can no longer hear me.


  1. Grace, I have that nearly every day at work that my insides want to jump out of my skin and get out of there! I am so very relieved that the hour has finally arrived to go home!

    Ahhh, you have the major "file" to deal with, "Life." Seems like that file can be filed in so many places. I am so very so for your struggle Grace, but so glad that you can share it!

    ((((Grace))))-safe hugs if okay

  2. JBR,
    Thank you for the hug....yes, *life* - doesn't it always get in the way of our 'plans'...and the file? Good grief! I can barely pick it up, let alone work though it.
    Thank you, for continuing to comment - it means more than you know...