Saturday, April 11, 2009

I thought I was supposed to change ~ and she was to remain th same?

On Tuesday I created a power point expressing my pain, hurt and abandonment….and child abuse, in general (If I could figure out how to post it in my blog, I surely would). Although it was relatively short, 14 slides, I was able to say what I needed to say, through pictures, words and music. And after I completed it, I felt it important to communicate it to DT. So I printed it and put it in an envelope, along with a CD of the song I had chosen to go with the slides. And at the last minute I printed the blog I posted on Validation. I knew she wasn’t working at her office so there was no chance I would run into her as I slipped the envelope under her door.

On Wednesday evening, around 7pm, DT left me a voicemail letting me know she did receive the envelope I left and said the power point was “beautiful” and “poignant” and she thanked me for sharing it with her. She went on to say that I was getting better at expressing myself and that ‘clearly’ she isn’t ‘getting it’ (she then added, “in some ways”). She then spoke about the “validation” piece I included, saying, “I’m not measuring up in the ways that you need me too” (really?) …in defense, she went on to say that she isn’t getting the information, or communication from me to help her measure up. (WHAT?) She said she would be ‘available’ all evening and suggested I call her~ and she also proposed that I come to the appointment on Thursday (that I cancelled on Sunday) so that she could “clarify” her intention in her message. (I wasn’t clear if she was referring to the voicemail she left on Monday, or the email she sent on Tuesday).

So, let me add a few things here, “if I may”? Her VM on Monday was crystal clear and I don’t need ‘further clarification’ on her ‘intentions’. The message was “if” I wanted to “talk” I should call her and leave a message and state, very clearly, in the message that I want her to call me back. (Um, why would I call her if I didn’t want to *talk* to her?).

Now, she may have meant the email she sent Tuesday when she referred to her ‘message’. Now, I could use some clarity on that…I thought she was communicating that she was wishing me the best, that I know what’s best for me and if I wanted to talk further…I should call her. But again, I could be way off base, she is the ‘expert’ not me.

It is not a secret that she isn’t ‘measuring up’ ~ as I have verbalized AND written what I needed from her. The fact is that she isn’t willing to honor my request, which is to correspond as she used too. That said, I’m not going to say that my needs are reasonable based upon her new found relationship, but my needs haven’t changed, she was willing to ‘honor’ my needs in the past, but now she isn’t. (I thought I was the one who was supposed to ‘change’ through our work together and she was the one who would remain the same?

I am at a loss as to where to go from here. I’m tired! Exhausted from the ‘back and forth’ and constant negotiations, and then being disappointed and let down. ..I’m tired of the “changes”! For the past several months she’s hurt me, invalidated me, made me feel like I’m not important to her and that I don’t matter. She IS my mother! She’s done everything my mother did to me when I was a child…well, everything other than letting a pedophile fuck me!

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