Sunday, April 5, 2009

Grace has left her body~ date of return: unknown

Friday nights are the absolute worst for me! I have trouble staying in my body and when I dissociate bad things happen…clarification, bad things happen to me, by me. Dear therapist agreed to email me every Friday, in an effort to help me *get through* the night. Not as good as her previous constant dialoguing on Friday nights, but it’ll have to do now.

She knew how I was *feeling* since I had emailed her Thursday evening and Friday morning expressing my depression and anxiety ~ the fear I was feeling…let’s just say it wasn’t a secret between her and I. And I was really looking forward to her email on Friday. I just knew that her encouragement would get me through the night. I needed her.

Well, I was wrong. I got a 3 line email from her around 8:00 saying I should do something “active” this weekend and acknowledging that I played games with my kids? Of course the initial disappointment I felt turned into anger and the anger…and in order to handle the anger; I took a couple of ativan and had a few cocktails. She has this ‘rule’ that I can call her until 10:00pm, so I called her around 9 – because I really needed to ‘communicate’ my anger to her verbally. She didn’t answer nor did she call me back which only exacerbated my anger and as always been the case, I sent her several emails telling her how pissed off I was about her email, and asking her why she agreed to sending me an email because it was obvious to me that she was just scrawling some words into cyber space in an effort to ‘appease’ me. Apparently my responses weren’t ‘worthy’ of her time or concern, she neither responded to my email or my voicemail for a return call.

She finally called me back at 4pm on Saturday, I wasn’t by the phone when she called – and her voicemail was something like this: “I’m calling you back..I see you had a rough night last night (some mumbling). It would probably be good to touch base tonight. So if you get this message in the next 10-15 minutes I’ll be available. Then I’ll be away from my phone for the next few hours – in a place that won’t be suitable for a conversation. If you want to give me a call later this evening….so if I miss your call just leave me a message and a time…or you can just call me back. Ok? Ok.” Wow! I actually warranted a return call? Even though I’m sure she did it out of obligation…so does that even count? And she actually called with a 10-15 minute availability to ‘chat’ – a very generous offer, but alas, I was in the shower and missed the deadline! Too bad for me, huh?

I did call her back, she didn’t answer, so I left her a voicemail expressing my appreciation of her calling me back and apologizing for my availability during the 10-15 minutes she allowed. And of course…no additional phone calls from her.

I tried to call her back twice last night, but once was after 10, which is, of course, after her ‘deadline’. She hasn’t called me back today either – so perhaps the logical conclusion I should draw at this point is that things have ‘changed’ again and now her ‘phone availability’ is now the same as her ‘email availability’. Our new arrangement seems to be working out well. I feel so warm and cozy inside from her over-fucking-flowing care! NOT! Oh, what’s that you say, DT? You’ve been busy? Oh, that’s right. I forgot that I didn’t fit into your busy schedule. Perhaps she’d like to forward her schedule to me and then I can do my best to arrange my depression and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide to a time when she is available. And that way, she won’t be ‘inconvenienced’ by me, and I won’t feel ignored by her lack of care and response!!!!

Sounds like a ‘win-win’ to me!
Did I mention how much I hate that I “need” her!!!

And so of course I freak out and who knows what will happen tonight – but I have a feeling that tomorrow I won’t remember being an actress in tonight’s movie! And I know I’m going to freak out and send her a borderline message telling her I’m not coming back because I hate her and she doesn’t care about me. And I’ll call her screaming and crying. Or, scenario number 2, which has also played out on occasion, I will go to my scheduled appointment and be so irrationally angry I’ll be playing the role of the exorcist and my puking up green goo all over her. Whatever happens, I’m sure I’ll be embarrassed later for my borderline behavior.

Nothing embarrassing about my borderline angry behavior and the pattern that continues to play out week after week…. I HATE THIS! Nothing embarrassing about having to interrupt her evening because I don’t feel like an adult and I *need* her. This is not normal behavior! I know that! But I don’t know what to do about it! I hate it! I hate NEEDING her!!!! And then when she doesn’t help me – I end up hating her every single week!!!

I need a drink ~ not my shrink! I need to move past this, or end it and find another shrink – because I’m not making ANY progress AT ALL in therapy now. In fact, I’m back-sliding!

I wish she were the same validating dear therapist she was before…I wish I didn’t need her. I wish I had a normal childhood and didn’t feel so fucked up all the time. I wish… I wish dear therapist was my mother and she could care for me like the mother I never had. I wish I didn’t feel so worthless and hopeless. I wish she would have called me back. I wish I wasn’t overwhelmed with thoughts of self hate – because it just makes me want to hurt myself.

I wish I could fall asleep like sleeping beauty and when I wake up I don’t even remember dear therapist, and she was never real and I can go back to never needing anyone again.


  1. Grace, I just finished reading your post! Thank you for sharing!
    I am so very sorry you are going through all your pain and your weekend was a bear!!!!
    I am certainly NO expert on this subject, and my state of mind may be cloudy, but I definnitley would not want to play around with anyone's feelings knowing the possibility I could harm them even more!
    My suggestion, and only a suggestion is that you go to your next set appointment with you t. and talk there, face to face about this problem with her promises to call and such. For now, do not contact her via email or leave phone calls (obviously not working). When is your next appt? Again, this is just a suggestion.

  2. Hi Grace, just wanted to say thank you so much for your kind words the other day, your support meant a lot to me.
    I really hope you are doing OK, anytime you need a friend dont hesitate to get in touch.

    Hann xx

  3. JBR - Thank you for your comments, encouragement and thoughts. I had a rough day today - seems to be the norm lately (but I try to keep telling myself it won't last forever....i hope). I was feeling so alone and dejected...and then I see your comment and somehow just your writing that you were 'thinking' of me made me feel a little better. ( was just what I needed-)
    Thank you...for thinking of me.

  4. Hey Hannah - good to see you again.
    Sometimes it just takes a few encouraging words and to know that we aren't always alone....
    I hope you're having a better day!