Greetings and salutations! Welcome to the unparalleled, legendary Hopeless Haven Hotel. We are well known in the U.S, in fact several celebrities, including Drew Berrymore, Lorraine Bracco, Mike Wallace and even Marilyn Monroe have vacationed here! We are so glad you have arrived and we have your reservation right here. Here at the Haven, we offer only the best to our guests, in terms of amenities at our elite hotel. I see you qualify for our exclusive “Multiple Disorder Discount”. The MDD is a limited benefit that is not offered at our sister hotel, the Impulsive Inn.
You have been upgraded from the Shameful Suites to the Borderline Bungalows, which are typically booked solid, but lucky for you, a room just became available when a guest abruptly left the hotel. Apparently she felt abandoned when her room service order didn’t arrive on time. It’s difficult to predict these departures due to the clientele we cater too, no offense. All of our guests have come here with feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, shame and extreme despair. And, during your stay, if you find yourself feeling positive or upbeat, don’t worry, our staff has been certified in depreciation coaching, and are always willing to help you reclaim your misery by pointing out the worst in you.
How long will you be staying with us? Never mind, that’s not a decision you need to make now, you must be exhausted and depressed, let me give you the VIP tour and then you can settle in your Bungalow.
Here we are at our first stop, the Borderline Bungalows. As you can see each room is custom designed to fit the needs of our guests. We keep the rooms at 60 degrees, year round, and the bright lighting was specially designed to intensify migraine, or cluster, headaches. Set your bag down, feel free to look around. I think you’ll find that our decorator took all of your *special* needs into account. The mirrors are like a kaleidoscope, I guarantee you that when you look into one of our mirrors you won’t even recognize yourself! Take a minute to feel the sheets ~ only the finest for our guests! We special order them from Tool King, 400 grit sandpaper…wait until you ease yourself into these sheets tonight for 3 hours of sleep! We haven’t overlooked a thing! Oh, before I forget, we do offer turn-down service for our guests. Just press 9 on your phone, and when you get to your room, you’ll find your bed turned down and an assortment of ambien, lunesta, seroquel and rozerem on your pillow. If you suffer from suicidal thoughts, please inform the front desk when requesting our service, as the hotel will not accept responsibility should you decide to ‘check out early’. We also offer wake-up call service, which will remind you in the morning of your worthlessness and shame. Next to the coffee maker we offer an assortment of diet pills and laxatives, including effedra and fen-phen.
Right out these doors is our pool and exercise center. Open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and feel free to work out anytime, and for as long as you want! Our staff personal trainers are available to you free of charge and are excellent motivators for our guests. They will brazenly point our your flaws, call you fat and lazy, and throw Twinkies and candy bars every 15 minutes….just to keep the motivation going, of course. Each machine is also equipped with individual screens, what we like to call our ‘special demoralizers’, and as an added boost of motivation, feature slide shows of women much more fit and toned than our clients. Check them out, not a scar on any of these women, aren’t they beautiful? We also feature a fully stocked fridge, complete with flavored water. Try one…we have Suicidal Strawberry, BPD Berry (my personal favorite), Manic Mandarin, Bipolar Banana and Mental Mango. After your draining and humiliating workout, take a soak in our super-heated hot tub. The temperature is kept at 110 degrees, and is guaranteed to boost your core temperature to that of a normal, living human being.
Let’s head off to the world famous cocktail bar, “Drunk’s Dream”. Here at Drunk’s Dream, it’s un-happy hour 24 hours a day. The bar is very popular as most of our guest’s prefer to escape their miserable reality. Our bartenders can whip up any drink you desire, and are made with the finest alcohol. Drink specials include: Crying Cosmo, Morbid Mojito, Borderline Beer and Anorexic Amaretto (calorie free, of course). And our famous after dinner drink, PTSD Port. Drink alone in our Cry Café, or mingle with our other guests at the Depression Disco Lounge. We offer pool, dancing, and a variety of other activities for our guests to get to know each other, ‘intimately’. And should you find yourself drunk and/or drugged and lured into another guests room, our 24 hour video surveillance will alert our escorts, and we will make certain you are gently returned to your own room to avoid that uncomfortable ‘how the hell did I get here?’ embarrassing moment that our guests are all familiar with.
To the left of “Drunk’s Dream” is our ‘Manic-Massage’ parlor ~ if you find yourself dissociative and in a manic state, our Masseuse will relax you back into your body so you can be hyper-conscious for the series of humiliations you are sure to encounter during your stay here at the Haven.
Behind the Gold Doors is our famous on-site restaurant, “To eat, or Not to eat…that is the question”, or TENET for short. The restaurant is divided into two sections, to accommodate all guests. You can eat until you puke at our all you can eat buffet , or ‘pretend’ to eat in our “Not to Eat” section, where we offer a selection of celery, fresh spinach, baby carrots and sliced apples, preservative free, for those guests who are concerned about what (not who) they put into their bodies. And for those days when you can’t bear the thought of getting out of bed, we offer 24 hour room service. Don’t despair; we will never abandon our guests! We are very flexible, and make every effort to meet your every need.
We also have a gift shop for your convenience. As a member of our “Multiple Disorder Discount” club, you receive a 30% discount at our “One-Stop Shop”, between the hours of midnight and 3am. Our gift shop stocks a variety of products that have proven useful to our disordered guests and you can buy anything from razor blades to condoms ~ we never judge our guests for their promiscuity. However, we do try to accommodate those who may have lax morals, and leave the bar with enough wits to protect themselves, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down. We certainly don’t want you leaving here with more than you came with. And should you find yourself in a compromising position without protection, take a breather, and call our front desk. By the time you finish your cigarette, our staff will deliver the requested supplies right to your room. Free of charge! Like most of our services, our gift shop is open 24 hours a day.
Well, that concludes the tour of the Haven. I hope you’ll be comfortable here, well, as comfortable as you mental patients get, no offense. I’ll have the Concierge show you to your room. No worries on a ‘check-out’ date. Planned or unplanned departure – now that you’re here, feel free to stay as long as you like. Frequently, our guests never want to leave.
I hope you’ll find that here at the Hopeless Haven, we do everything to we can to accommodate our guests and live up to our name. If you need anything, please do not hesitate to call the desk…we will do our best to be available until 10PM each night. If we are busy and unable to answer your call, please remember that it isn’t because you don’t matter. Feel free to leave a message, speaking clearly and stating your needs. If you call after 10PM, availability willing, we will do our best to call you back within the next 24 hours. If your call is an emergency, you can dial 911 (we have already alerted them of your check-in), or drink a lot of booze fast, or take the pills our turn-down staff left on your pillow and relax and remember: the pain won’t last forever. Just until the booze or drugs kick in!
Here at the Haven, we accept however you decide to ‘deal with your pain’~ and will do our best to be present for you, except of course when you need us the most!
And remember, it’s always “Hopeless” here at the Haven…