Monday, April 13, 2009

She's hot then she's cold...She's yes then she's no...She's in then she's out...She's the same then she's changed...

Distress tolerance. That was the discussion in DBT class tonight. Distress tolerance & Emotion Regulation. Like you should 'know' your number (and I ain't talking about your sleep number) I'm talking about the number from 1-100 where you lose touch with reality, when you hit that *fight or flight* mode. For example, if you typically find yourself on the bathroom floor with vomit in your hair and a straight razor in your've definitely gone way past your number. If, however, you notice you start to feel anxious, perhaps a few self-destructive thoughts are going through your head and you recognize that this type of thinking/behavior might lead to the bathroom floor situation I described earlier - you may decide to be proactive by reaching out to someone, be it a friend, a therapist (although I wouldn't suggest mine - she's busy), or perhaps a crisis line. If you're like me, when you get to the edge, but not the point of no return, you could be having body memories, flashbacks from the past and a general sense of feeling unsafe.

I'm not sure how useful it would be to you to call someone in the MHP and express your feelings of fear and lack of safety - but for me...the last thing I want to hear is someone to condescendingly tell me to fix a cup of chamomile tea, take a warm bath, or read the comics. Give me a break! Hearing those words actually SEND me over the edge, right past the point of no return.

Grace, "I feel scared, I smell him right now, it feels like he's in the room with me, I can feel his breath on the back of my me."

MHP, "Why don't you try a nice cup of warm chamomile tea."

Grace, "Wow! That's a great idea - I sure wish I would have thought of that!"
A hot cup of chamomile tea is sure to take away the pain in your body and the feeling that he is once again invading your child body. Yes, that should do the trick nicely! How about a nice big bottle of Grey Goose and a cocktail of ativan and klonopin. That seems to work better for me!

During the course of our meeting tonight, my classmate who sees the same T (well, that I 'used' to see) told about how rough her week was, and she asked DT for an emergency session on Friday (DT doesn't work on Friday's)...but of course being the accommodating, caring DT that she is, she did see classmate in her 'emergency'. Now, when I'm on the ledge, she doesn't even call me back for 48 that was really a validating thing for me to hear. "Hit me again, Ike!"

So I see things have only changed for some clients (Of course that's really none of my business....but it's not like I can pretend I didn't hear it). But then again, things change, she said it - and it's certainly her right to choose who she will 'call' back or 'accommodate' a session for. And I can just get over it. Move on, deal with the changes she's made. I mean, it isn't a crime punishable under the law --she can decide what she needs - what she is willing or not willing to offer- but so can it. But her words of "things change" sound sort of blaming and condescending to me. Like, "GD Grace! Get a grip and move on! Can't you see I have a life now?"

She doesn't get it, STILL! I would love nothing more than to move on! But I can't! Every single day I deal with the memories, the flashbacks the triggers...I know what my body tells me despite the fact that I tend to leave it a few times a week. I know what it tells me. It tells me to be fearful and's unsafe.

I know what I need to do and I can't do it by myself. And I can't do it with someone who is constantly changing. She needs to make the decision, once and for all, if she is "in" this, or not...Because if the answer is "not" I am finished!

I feel like I've been set up for failure - I'm expected to be completely independent at night now because her life changed! And I can't do it...not in the middle of all of "THIS", not at night, not right now! And dt's answer to that is always, "Well, Grace, that's just how it changes. You're on your own now because I'm not available in the evening. I realize I used to be there for you...and we just have to keep "working" on your 'skills' so that you can be there for yourself, and little Grace."

Yes, DT, please...try to find an accerlerated class for me to attend so I can do it on my own. I'd be willing to pay a year of mental health services for a class that's 6 weeks, or less. I figure that's money I can save by forgetting you exist! Oh, and if your life 'changes' again prior to you finding my "how to get through the night alive and safe', and my completion of the class; perhaps you could be a bit more proactive in communicating that to me too. Like maybe you're changing our meetings to 15 minutes instead of an hour because you don't have "time" anymore to accomodate an hour.

Every night I pray for a miracle. Every night I pray that I won't feel him or hear him. Every night I pray that I can fall asleep before 2am. Every night I pray for a night without tears. Every night I pray that I will forget. One would think I would have given up on prayer by now...I suppose it's back to the ole' ~ keep doing the same thing and hope for a different outcome.

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