Saturday, April 11, 2009

If life is really as short as they say, then why is the night so long?

It’s nearly midnight…another night of pain. Another night of being overwhelmed by the voices inside my head….they are loud and I cannot tune them out. I have tried walking, reading, listening to music, exercising, relaxation,, watching TV….. but nothing is working tonight. . It’s at night when it's his voice I hear.I struggle enough with being stupid, worthless, dirty, disgusting – I hate his voice – but was he right? Is that why his voice keeps coming back into my mind over and over again? Was he right? Did he know that I am really worthless on the inside, and I am only pretending to be good on the outside? Did he know the *real* me?

I don't know how to explain the dark pain and ache I feel inside. I'm unable to describe the utter blackness I see when I close my eyes and try to remember a good time in my childhood. I can't explain the thoughts that are constantly running through my mind making me scared of even myself. I cannot begin to tell you of the emptiness inside of me every single day – when I have to *pretend* to be someone I am not. I don't know how to explain any of this.

Little Gracie is so small and scared. She is hurting because of DTs abandonment. She has been hurt so many times…and this is just too much for her. I have tried to console her, to talk to her, to pacify her – but I am at the point where I am losing what little patience I had and I'm getting angry at her. I can no longer be *gentle*.

I tell her over and over: Gracie, I know this is hard – and I know it hurts – but I can’t help that she doesn’t have time to ‘pacify’ and ‘soothe’ you at night when you are afraid. I know you can feel him, and taste him…smell him. I know you feel sick and I know you want to vomit. Gracie, I know you want her to be here for you, I know you need her to be here…but Gracie, she’s gone. She has someone else now and he needs her so she no longer has time for you. I’m sorry, and I know that’s hard to face, but you’ll get through it. You have been through worse. I know you’re afraid. Hell – we’re all afraid. I want to talk to her too! I want to scream out to her, “I AM AFRAID! PLEASE HELP ME…I am so afraid of who I am…I am so afraid.” But it doesn’t matter, she’s not *here*. She isn’t here ~ and she isn’t coming back. So, it’s time now, little Grace…curl up in your blanket and close your eyes. Listen to the sound of your heart beating…

I know the nights are so long but its midnight now. You just have to make it till dawn…


  1. Gracie, my heart cries out to you and the pain you are feeling!! I am so very sorry that I cannot offer you any more than just my responding here on this blog!
    Sitting here with you and listening......
    ((((safe hugs))))

  2. JBR,
    Thank you...I needed the company
    ~ Grace