Wednesday, April 8, 2009

This Journey

This journey: this path I’m on seems ever circular, bringing me back around to the same old lessons that for some strange reason I am just too dense to understand. There is something I feel I should be learning – or something I need to let go of – or is it grasp? Maybe it’s both…. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster – one minute I’m strong – I really believe I can do this…the next, I am hiding again… allowing myself to be lost in shame and self hate. A few months ago, I felt like I took this huge leap forward – self care, healing, opening emotional pockets – dancing with Minnie and Mickey Mouse… knowing full well that I needed to keep reminding myself about the lurking shadows – the ones who provoke me and make me feel bad even in the midst of making strides forward….

So here I am, feeling those same old feelings of guilt and shame and hatred. I suppose I know what the shadow is that lurks, but I just don’t know what to do with the shadow. How do I bring it into the light to stay?

My husband tries to use my “achievements” to bolster my confidence, help me shed this bone crushing feeling of self-defeat, but those achievements are a smokescreen – an elaborate, disguise, the stronger I seem, the less likely anyone is to guess what a coward I truly am.
I can fool others- but not myself.

The first time, I lost, it was too him – this time, it comes at my own hands…. And that seems to be so much worse...

I can feel myself backsliding …. So much up and down! When does it does it stop? Does it stop?
The term “survivor” implies a certain level of triumph or victory. The term ‘victim’ carries connotation of guiltless submission. I am neither a survivor nor a victim. I am a fraud, a shell of a person hidden inside a carefully constructed facade. I have not triumphed over my past, and the damage it continues to cause is due to my own personal failure to set it aside. I have managed to surrender my whole identity because I lack the courage to claim my truth.

Healing is a lot like daylight savings time- fall back, spring forward, over and over and over again. It makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach and depressed – all of this back and forth.
OK – now I feel the path has once again ended and I am left standing alone.


  1. You're not the only one on this seemingly never-ending rollercoaster, and it is desperate at times, but we have to keep holding in there and do try to recognise your achievements, of which I'm sure there are many.


  2. Dear one, I know it is extremely hard. We are all in this together! That is why things like blogs help each one of us along as we vent and share! Being positive is very hard, believe you me, I know. You are not alone. Thank you so much Grace for sharing, as you do. Blessings dear one!

  3. Hannah & JBR ~
    Thank you for being *present* on my journey, and for allowing me to be there for yours...
    It is always nice to see comments from my fellow travelers ~ and to know that I am not alone.
    ~ Grace