This Journey

This journey: this path I’m on seems ever circular, bringing me back around to the same old lessons that for some strange reason I am just too dense to understand. There is something I feel I should be learning – or something I need to let go of – or is it grasp? Maybe it’s both…. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster – one minute I’m strong – I really believe I can do this…the next, I am hiding again… allowing myself to be lost in shame and self hate. A few months ago, I felt like I took this huge leap forward – self care, healing, opening emotional pockets – dancing with Minnie and Mickey Mouse… knowing full well that I needed to keep reminding myself about the lurking shadows – the ones who provoke me and make me feel bad even in the midst of making strides forward….

So here I am, feeling those same old feelings of guilt and shame and hatred. I suppose I know what the shadow is that lurks, but I just don’t know what to do with the shadow. How do I bring it into the light to stay?

My husband tries to use my “achievements” to bolster my confidence, help me shed this bone crushing feeling of self-defeat, but those achievements are a smokescreen – an elaborate, disguise, the stronger I seem, the less likely anyone is to guess what a coward I truly am.
I can fool others- but not myself.

The first time, I lost, it was too him – this time, it comes at my own hands…. And that seems to be so much worse...

I can feel myself backsliding …. So much up and down! When does it does it stop? Does it stop?
The term “survivor” implies a certain level of triumph or victory. The term ‘victim’ carries connotation of guiltless submission. I am neither a survivor nor a victim. I am a fraud, a shell of a person hidden inside a carefully constructed facade. I have not triumphed over my past, and the damage it continues to cause is due to my own personal failure to set it aside. I have managed to surrender my whole identity because I lack the courage to claim my truth.

Healing is a lot like daylight savings time- fall back, spring forward, over and over and over again. It makes me dizzy, sick to my stomach and depressed – all of this back and forth.
OK – now I feel the path has once again ended and I am left standing alone.