Thursday, April 9, 2009

I Have Lost Hope

I realized something today: I’ve lost hope.

I go through the “motions” of living, but I’ve lost hope. I have lost the support of someone I “thought” cared for me – and now I trust people even less. And I want to retreat inside myself even further. The part of me who was starting to feel hopeful – beginning to trust – she feels dead again.

I’m not sleeping and I’m exhausted – I am not the person I was before.

I have lost hope.

I am exhausted from constantly fighting. Who or what am I fighting? Myself? The girls inside me? No amount of excuses seem right – nothing can ease my guilt. I know that I am the one to blame. This is no game – no self-indulgent pity party. This is a bit of fear blooming into a swirl of rage. No amount of time will ease this pain. Pangs of guilt will always reverberate out of my empty, blood-drained heart.

Tired and angry – angry and tired – it’s never ending.


  1. Precious Gracie, through your pain you even can muster up encouragement for me as I struggle. You are truly a special person, even though you do not feel it.
    I do pray you are feeling a bit more hopeful. As we know, we both struggle with this! But, if we are here to encourage one another, then so be it!
    Pulling up the virtual chair along side of you and spipping some ice water. Sorry don't do coffee, tea or sodas.
    Blessings dear one!

  2. It is true that it is costly to trust someone, but it is even more costly to trust no one. You are not alone, He is inside you. Stay cool and let His grace to comfort you. One good news to let you know that His only begotten Son has set all of us free. God bless,