Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Oops! DT 'forgot' that she no longer has texting on her phone..."her bad"

After being frustrated and feeling abandoned for the entire day, I get a voicemail from DT late this afternoon apologizing about the confusion this morning ~ when she said I could text her about an appointment time last night, she ‘forgot’ that about a month ago she disabled the texting capability on her cell phone and she no longer receives text messages. What???

“Grace, I totally messed up the text thing – I spent all day trying to figure out why I didn’t get a text – and I forgot that I changed my phone plan and I no longer have text. So last night when I told you it was fine to text me last night – it was my total oversight – I own all of it – it was my error and I apologize. I don’t know what more I can say except I’m very sorry and it was my error and I hope you’ll forgive me on this one. I hope we can see past this, but if we can’t, I understand that as well. Hopefully this is workable. So, let me know if you want to talk further about it. Thanks bye”

So, I had prepared this to send:

Dear Therapist,
I have never in my life been more hurt and humiliated than I have been with you these past few months. I am so hurt and confused at your behavior and communication that I don’t even know what to say. You clearly don’t understand how fragile I am and that I break just like a little girl. Of course in your defense, “Things Change” ~ so no more texting is just another change, right? The thing is, DT, you’ve changed so much I don’t even know who you are now. And I’m still in the same space, the space of fragility and vulnerability and I need you to be here for me. I need you to be here for me, I committed, and if you aren’t committed then take the out, DT, if you aren’t committed then and I’m begging you fold and walk away, because I can’t handle much more. Can’t you see me standing on the ledge?? You know what I thought of this afternoon when you left your voicemail? “I’m sorry, I forgot I didn’t have text on my phone.”..…I heard this voice from the past, “Gee Grace – I know I said I’d be there for your (enter: birthday, graduation, wedding, birth of your child…) but I just couldn’t because I (enter: drunk, at the bar, I forgot, I didn’t care, you don’t fucking matter to me)…Mother (aka: the host body).

I called my friend after I left your office because I was a mess and I knew I couldn’t go to my office like that. She suggested that we meet somewhere but I told her I just wanted to go home. She didn’t think that was a good idea but I told her she could call me later and “check in”. I told her I didn’t understand….that I was hurt and confused and it was clear from speaking to you this morning that you considered it MY error, even though I KNEW I sent the message. I told her that I have really just lost hope in this entire process. She asked me if I wanted her to come over and I told her if she did to bring booze – but that if she couldn’t I would be okay…I just had to get through the minute, and then the next minute…just like night time…Just keep counting until dawn. I feel like I spend my whole day wishing it away, hoping it’ll go fast – just getting through. I look around every day and I see nothing. Just more crap to deal with and more horrible crying, and unfathomable fear and sorrow. I feel like I am dying most of the time. I want pills and booze and drugged out sleep all the time because if I have to “handle” this much longer I am going to die.

That night, last summer, when I was going to kill myself…that afternoon I left your office and OD’d on wine and pills (although unfortunately not enough to kill me), I called my friend. And I didn’t ASK her to come over to help me because I’m not very good at ASKING for what I need. And when she heard my voice on the phone, she said, “Do you NEED me to come over?” And I said yes. I needed her and I need you.

And today, when I was crying on the phone, my friend said to me, “I believe in you. You can do this ~ and if you aren’t strong enough right now, I will be strong for you until you feel strong enough. Just hold on. I am here.” And some days, her belief in me, my children’s beliefs in me, are the only things that keep me breathing.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to be raped? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be raped when you’re 5, by the man who is supposed to love you, to protect you? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have your own mother, the woman who gave birth to you, tell you that she hates you and wishes you were never born? Do you have any idea what it’s like to wish you were never born, to wish you would die? Do you have any idea how hard it is to relive it every night ~when you’re mind won’t stop and your body hurts and the person who *knows* is no longer there? Maybe you do – and I can assure you that I DO! I NEED to know if you CAN help me! I have to know if you can do this, hear it, stand it, live it with me. I need to know if you WANT to do this, not that you’re ‘willing’ to do it. I need to know if you can be strong and the same – I need to know.

Hope is so fragile, and DT, I’m running out of energy. Maybe this has never happened to you, but when you lose faith and trust in someone you believed in, especially when trust is such a difficult thing to believe in, it feels very much like you’ve been broken. You’re no ‘life coach’ now – working with you is draining and I feel like I’m carrying a load of boulders on my back and it gets heavier every day. And half of the them you just dumped on me when things “changed” for you. And I can’t carry the fucking load! Yes, there are days when I’m okay, days when I can see a flicker of ‘hope’ – but there are more days when I’m NOT okay and I need your help. And that time may not be Wed @ 130 – or whatever time it is. And that’s just the nature of how this shit works for me, my body, my mind. So if you’re in it for an hour a week, 9-5 kinds a thing, than as much as I want you to have the job - you aren’t qualified to fill the position. And I need to know that now. Because it’s fucking hard and I’m beyond tired! And my body fucking HURTS! Physically HURTS! And I would love to heal. Don’t you get that? I would love too – think of the time, money and energy I would save! Don’t you get it? I would love to but my body won’t let me. Every day I have a migraine, every day I have my neck hurts and the base of my skull aches to the point that I sit with a heating pad on the back of my neck every single night. And every day I’m nauseous and unable to eat, and most days I’m unable to control the vomiting. And every day I’m dizzy and clumsy and more days than not my vision is blurry and my concentration is virtually non-existent.

And conversely to what you may believe I know my mind and my body. I may have spent half of my life not really inhibiting my body, but I know it better than anyone else. And we are weary…we are sad and tired, and scared. And we have spent our life in fear and longing for safety. And my mind isn’t able to fully process all that my body is saying. Do you see that? Do you understand that? I know that I have to continue on this journey – there’s no turning back for me, I’m committed, and I know that I cannot do it alone. But I can’t do it with someone who is constantly changing or defensive, or unable to hear me or communicate with me. I can’t do it with someone who doesn’t make me feel cared for or safe. So please, take an internal inventory and let me know if this is a road you want to continue to travel down because I need to know and I deserve to know. I do not deserve to be treated disrespectfully. I do NOT deserve to be hurt further by someone who is supposed to help me and care for me! I need the truth and I need it now. It’s not the end of the world if we cannot work this out, or continue to work together. But this continued power struggle, this constant confusion and frustration is hurting my health and wellness every day and I don't deserve that, there’s already been too much pain in my life. If you need to work exclusively in a way that you are not available to your patients except for a scheduled hour a week – so be it… it's not a crime to work that way, You need what you need. As do I. And if those needs can’t “mesh” at all now, then it isn’t going to work. I will not be set up for failure. You can’t expect me to be independent – to help myself because you don’t have ‘time’ because your life changed – and I cannot do this – by myself in the middle of the hell that plays out in my body and in my mind – I can’t do it.

One step forward, a hundred steps back. If you want to meet to discuss this further, I am free tomorrow after 1pm, however– if you want to take this opportunity to bow out now then please do so because I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon.

~ Grace


  1. You wrote:
    "And today, when I was crying on the phone, my friend said to me, “I believe in you. You can do this ~ and if you aren’t strong enough right now, I will be strong for you until you feel strong enough. Just hold on. I am here.” And some days, her belief in me, my children’s beliefs in me, are the only things that keep me breathing."

    Having support people in our lives just like that is so important. Our therapists are but one person and you are so right in that we need more than that. We need lots of support.

    I am not sure of your situation with your therapist because I haven't been following your blog long (just the past couple of days), but I do see places where she has slipped up on her consistency to be there for you. I want to validate your feelings on that. That is very hard to deal with, I know.

    I would like to encourage you to try and work it out with her, and if you can't, look for someone else that you feel better supports you. I would also like to encourage you to find other places of support whether that be through friends, support groups, etc and use that support network to get you thro0ugh the times when your therapist can't be there.

    I run an online support group called Hidden Shadows, and if you would be interested, there is a link on my blog in the sidebar. I'm not trying to push it, but just want to make it available to you since you seem to need some additional support. There are other good sites/forums as well. I do not profess to run the best. Just thought I'd offer it to you as a potential resource.
    Take care,
    Secret Shadows

  2. Ooops! I messed up the link. I think I made a typo when I entered it in.


  3. What??!!! It's still not working.
    Life is so frustrating!

    Ok, I think I got it this time. My mind is screwed!!!
    Secret Shadows