You seem so strong...and I feel so weak

I've always said I was designed more for public than for private. And I like my life right side up and I have felt like it’s been upside down for a long time now. I know in my logical mind, when I am rational, that DT doesn't see me the way I often see myself. But she doesn't see me as others see me, either. DT sees me without my skin and that scares me. DT see’s me raw, exposed…and she sees a strength in me that I cannot see in myself.

My son was born via c-section after 12 hours of back labor and no pain relief. And I remember at one point, I looked at the unfortunate labor and delivery nurse who had been assigned to me- and I and begged her to have the baby for me. Obviously I knew she couldn't - but in that moment I felt like a cobra had wrapped itself around me and sank its fangs into my back.

That's how I now feel at night. DT seems so strong and I feel so weak and even though I know she can’t- I want to beg her to do this for me. Not because I want her to hurt- but because she seems so much stronger than me. And I think she could do this better, and faster, than I can.

I think this every night, when I’m out of control, sobbing and rocking in pain…at night, when all rationality flies out the window and I’m begging, and praying… "God, please help me. I can't do this. Make it stop. I can’t do it. Please, either help me or kill me." But it doesn't stop- it doesn't stop, it never stops. And the only way to make it stop is to go far away, where the pain can't find me. And sometimes death seems like the only place where it can't find me. The only place I can hide...the only place I can find peace and safety.

And I’m afraid. Every night, I’m afraid.