Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I'm unable to find the words to express how I'm feeling.I doubt myself and my ability to do any of this 'work' - the real work, "THIS". And I grow angry because it feels so unfair that they fuck us and we spend the rest of our lives trying to deal with it.
I find myself reading and empathizing with others, others 'like' me~ to some extent we share a 'likeness' - albeit a likeness that we would prefer NOT to share - and yet it is there, and I can feel it. I read, and I tell others:
"hang on"
"don't give up"
"hang on"
"don't give up"
"it will get better"
"you can do this"
"you're so strong and so courageous"
And I mean every word of what I say to everyone. And yet, I can't say it to myself. And what I feel right now....is DOUBT. Because the truth is that sometimes it doesn't get better. And the reality is that even when you hang on by your pinky fingernails, you can still fall. And often times I feel like i CAN'T do this. So many nights I'm scared and I don't understand, and I don't even know where this is going. I don't know which one of me is in charge, and frankly, I don't know which one of me is the "real" Grace.
I haven't written much this week...I've felt tired and overwhelmed - and I haven't been able to put the chaos in my head into words on the computer screen.
The truth is...
Sometimes I'm not strong or courageous.
Sometimes I can't do this.
Sometimes I want to run and hide.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I want to give up.
And I know I'm not the only one...and it isn't fair - it's not fair that they break us apart and we spend the rest of our lives trying to find the pieces and put them back together again. And some days I doubt I will even be able to find all the pieces of me.
And it feels like it's me against the world....and the world is winning...
Is life fair?
Doubt it!
Doubt it!
Grace, I certainly know too how much doubt can play in our lives of unbelief. You are such an encourager to me, and I so much appreciate what you have to say, thank you dear one.
ReplyDeleteI know it can feel like you are against the world, but in actuality there is always someone helping you face that world, whether you feel it or not.
Blessings and ((((Grace))))
it truly does suck that we have to deal with these lifelong effects. there's just no way around that.
ReplyDeletesometimes i think the only thing that helps is that empathy we can feel for each other. and that doesn't fix things of course.
and i think wanting to give up sometimes is just part of it.r
i do disagree with this one:
"The truth is...
Sometimes I'm not strong or courageous."
you are, always, those things. it's just that you've been given so much to bear that it's sometimes overwhelming. i think your feeling this way shows how devastating your experiences are, not that you're not strong and courageous. it takes unbelievable courage to even consider facing even one little bit of this, not to mention surviving it at all, in any shape or level of woundedness.