Friday, July 17, 2009

Can you hear me NOW?

The dissociation during therapy is getting worse. If DT says one thing about something that brings upon a moment of shame I completely go away. I no longer feel safe so I can't remain present. It has happened several times over the past few weeks. And I am unable to stop it.

Two weeks ago, I started to have a panic attack and DT was able to talk me through it. I couldn't believe it. I could hear her, I listened to her and I got through it without cutting, puking, taking ativan or drinking! But then 10 minutes later she asked me a question that brought up so much shit that I couldn't stay present. I was staring at the wall, where the ceiling connects with two different walls.

At first, I heard her say, "Grace, what are you looking at? Are you looking at the lamp?"

I heard her, but I could not respond, I was not able to speak, so I thought I would point at what I was looking at...after all, it would be rude not to answer her question. But I couldn't point because I couldn't move. And then DTs voice became more and more distant, until I could no longer hear her. At first, it was like she was at the other end of a football field, I could hear her, but she sounded 100 yards away from me...but then her voice completely disappeared. Suddenly I'm no longer in her office, I'm not anywhere...

Then once again, I could hear DT's voice, "Grace, can you look at me?"

I could hear her voice, but I wasn't able to respond, no, DT, I can't look at you.

"Grace, can we connect?"

No, DT, I cannot move my body, I'm unable to move my head, so I cannot look at you.

"Grace?" DT's voice again. Be quiet DT - I can't move, how can I talk to you, how can I look at you when I can't move!

Finally, I was able to move my head. I looked at the bookshelf on the wall. A few minutes later I looked completely past her, to another wall, studying her diplomas. I don't want to look at you DT. I am ashamed and I cannot look at you.

"Grace?" DT asks again, "Can you look at me? Can we reconnect?"

I slowly moved my head to look at DT- and then realized the hour was up.
Where did the time go? We didn't even talk about anything and now it was time to go!

After leaving DTs office, I sat in my car, tired and weepy. I was trying to stay present, in my body, but I couldn't. I used all the tricks on my list, but I couldn't do it. 30 minutes later, I was able to leave the parking lot.

I don't know what we were talking about when I disappeared. During our next appointment, she asked me if I wanted to know, and I told her now. Because chances are it wasn't something I was prepared to talk about and if she would have told me it would have happened again.

So I couldn't let myself go there again...I just couldn't.

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