Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I'm done! Overdone! BURNT TO A CRISP!
I am so sick of people looking THROUGH ME!
I spend all day ~ every single day~ attending to the needs of others! Work demands...there's always a fire to put out, 250 people to deal with, each having his/her own special 'need' or demand that must be met, no matter what.
"Grace, I need this information now!"
"Grace, they don't understand, they take advantage of me, I need your support."
"Grace, I realize this isn't much time, but can you pull this together by Friday?"
"Grace, I understand they made a mistake, but can you just correct it?"
"Grace, I know I've been here a year and still have NO idea what I'm doing...but can you have someone provide training ~ I need your help!"
"Grace, can you please do *this* for me, my child is sick, I received some bad news, I just need a favor, you're the 'favorite' - he listens to you....." and on and on and on...
Then home demands...get the kids up, get them dressed, fed, out the door by 7am. Deliver to camp no later than 7:30, to make it to work in time for an 8am conference call. Ensure they have sunscreen, swimsuits, towels, lunches, water, money for the pool, snacks....
After work: dinner, walk and feed the dog, do the dishes, find dear daughter's lost DS, intervene in dear son and dear daughter argument about who won the card game.
"Mommy, can you cut up my chicken."
"Mommy, can I have some ketchup."
"Mommy, can I have some more milk."
"Mommy, can you help me find my toothbrush"
"Mommy, can you please just play one more game of speed"
"Mommy, can you please help me with my cheerleading routine."
"mommy, can you...mommy, can you...mommy, can you..."
Friends need consoling, flowers need watering, dog needs petting, kids need tucked in, husband needs attention...I need a DRINK!
No one ever asks how "Grace" is doing.
No one says, "How was your day, Grace?"
No one says, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Just ignore me, as though I'm no longer here.
Dear husband goes to bed, falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, while I stay up, take ativan after ativan...wash down a couple of seroquel with a glass or two of wine...just pray for it to END! All of it!
My chest is constricted, my breathing is shallow - I HURT ALL OVER! I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. Does anyone even notice? No...
Last night, took pills, tried to kill the pain, the voices, the hopelessness...I picked up yet another glass of wine, looked at it and a fleeting thought told me that I probably shouldn't drink it - that I had taken too many ativan, enough seroquel, that it probably wouldn't be good...but I didn't even care. I just needed PEACE & QUIET! From the outside world, and the inside turmoil. I woke up at 3am, outside on the swing...did anyone come to check on Grace? No - because no one cares, that's why.

I've known since I was 5 years old that I was born to serve others. My needs don't matter ~ most days I try to forget that I even have needs. Of course, thank you DT for reminding me that it's "okay" to feel, and to have needs ~ because that actually hurts even worse! Actually feeling "needy" for a minute but no one gives a shit!
I want to disappear. I want to cease to exist. I want OUT of this "Contract"...I need to know what the rights of termination are!

Because I'm DONE!
Je suis fait!
Sono Fatto!
Estoy hecho!
Ich bin fertig!
and...in the white trash language I grew up with:
FUCK IT! I'm finished!
It doesn't even matter anymore ~ In fact, it never did!
I never mattered, I am worth nothing....that's the way it's always been, that's the way it is now, and how it will always be...if there's nothing to look forward to in the future, but more of the same, I say, why bother?
No one would notice my absence....well, until they needed something.
There's no "life worth living"! It doesn't exist! That's just what the MHPs tell us so we keep paying them, stay alive to live more and more pain. Face it, Gracie, your parents fucked you up beyond repair! Throw me out with last week's leftovers! I can't do it anymore!

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