Wednesday, July 29, 2009


For the past several years I have struggled with self-injury, in one form or another. I can go months without hurting myself physically, but then it will overcome me and I fall right back into the trap of SI. I mainly cut myself. And although it may seem impossible for someone else to understand, I need to feel the pain, see the blood ~ in order to try to make sense of the internal pain that plagues me on a daily and nightly basis.

On Saturday evening I turned on the oven to bake chicken. When I put the chicken in the oven I accidentally touched the coil with my hand. The pain made me recoil and pull my hand back immediately. The burn soon blistered and suddenly in my screwed up brain, I made the connection that I deserved the pain. That I deserved to be hurt. And so I did it again. But it wasn't me anymore - it didn't hurt anymore and I wasn't even present, in my body. And she did it again. And yet another time.

Burning my skin, branding myself because I deserve to be hurt. I accepted this as my current 'punishment' and also rationalized that the 'accidental' oven burns (hey - it happens) will be much easier to explain than deep cuts into my flesh.

The top of my hand is now filled with blisters and seared skin.
How can this seem "rational" to me?
What is happening to me?


  1. " didn't hurt anymore and I wasn't even present, in my body."

    Right there is exactly why I do it. Sometimes I have to get out of my body or I will lose my mind.

  2. i do it for the same reasons, getting away and punishment, but also sometimes to bring me back, to feel whole. . .

    but i better stop talking about it too much or i'll talk myself into it.

    i just wanted to say that i understand.

  3. eeabee, Thank your for your understanding - read/comment no further if it may, perhaps, give you the feeling/need to SI - Take care of yourself first...
    ~ Grace