Saturday, July 18, 2009

What will you be having tonight, Grace?

“I’ll have a venti triple valium, half-seroquel, non-fat, cranberry vodka, latte…with a twist of lemon… oh, and a side order of boundary breaking fuck-heads, and I’d like the anxiety and fear on the side please.” Grace replies.

Very good,” night demon nods his approval, “And for desert, will you be having the “Everyone couldn’t Care Less Cake” with the double ativan decaf expresso?”

*Sigh* I’ve become so predictable....

Why do you not see that the pain, the fear, the hopelessness that happens every single night is real! It is smothering and debilitating and there is NO escape. There is no ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ ~ there is simply “FREEZE”! And I don’t know how to make you understand that. You DON’T understand! Do you think I “choose” to be in this pain? Do you think I really want to be in my office, fumbling through a pill box and my address book at the same time, trying to not give into the panicked voice speaking to me in a booming tone? Do you think I want to call and leave a voicemail for you, letting you know that I feel trapped, that I can’t handle the ‘present’? Do you think I want to run down the hall to the bathroom and turn the water on full blast so no one hears me vomiting? I don’t “select” this – I didn’t study a menu and say, “I’ll start with the triggering memories and unrelenting pain in my body, followed by the constant arguing in my brain from the voices that have been stirred. For my entrée I’ll try the endless crying ~ can I get that half past/half present? And I’ll finish with the dissociation fortune cookie. I think that’s good.” And, prey tell, DT, what will the fortune cookie hold? Will it be booze? Or a few extra ativan? Perhaps self inflicted vomiting followed by lacerated flesh…Yes, I wonder what the future will hold.

You don’t get that, do you? I wish more than anything that I could be free of this. Don’t you realize that? Is this all there is…well, Grace, figure it out… I have no clue what to do. I have felt anxious and scared all day. I have had physical responses to non-existent fear that I cannot convince ‘those that dwell within’ is nonexistent. But I feel it, the pain, the fear…and maybe the fear and anxiety is an old trauma response, and maybe you’re right, there’s no basis that I’m in danger right now. But, guess what, DT? It feels real! It sure feels real!
Your explanation sounds so simple when you say it, “Grace, these reactions are deeply embedded in the midbrain and they can elicit sensations and CNS symptoms that feel so *real-time* based.”
Yes, DT – that’s true. And although that sounds like such a simplistic explanation…it does little to calm the girls within who really BELIEVE it IS happening now!!!! How do you explain that? How do you explain it to a 5 year old who *feels* the pain in her body, and to her it IS happening NOW! Just like that? What you said to me? Guess what? SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT!!!!

So then what? “You just deal with it.” “Get through the moment” …You want to hear the screaming in my head? The “solution” to *get through the moment*? I’m too tired to fight – I don’t believe I’m worth fighting for anyway. What’s the point? Can’t win…there’s no escape! I’m no longer present at night to fight it anymore. Each morning I wake up is a surprise that I’m still alive. And as I get out of bed a scavenger hunt ensues…a search for what happened the night before. I never know what I will find – and it’s chilling! And it doesn’t happen “every once in a while” – it happens every single night! Blood? Empty vodka bottle? Excessive amounts of anti-anxiety meds? Or worse! And I’m just saying, if the wench stains another one of my VS “Pink” tank tops with her blood – I’ll kill her myself!

It doesn’t stop! Over and over again, you tell me, “Grace, be patient. You will get there slowly but surely. Keep trying.” Clearly, by your use of these phrases, you don’t understand! I need the accelerated class! There’s no time for another 5 years of psychoanalysis…no time for more “observations” and “introspection” – do you not realize yet that if it doesn’t stop I won’t be alive in 5 years? There will be nothing left to “observe” – no need for examination. I will no longer be here! No one seems to understand that! No one believes how real it is – no one…but they will. And there’s no way in hell they could possibly be shocked when I’m no longer here. If they are – it’s because they “choose” not to see. But no one sees the urgency – no one understands there is a detonator that has been set…time is limited. No one believes me…each minute that passes, the fuse is shorter, the hourglass grows heavier on the bottom…but no one sees. Instead, you all just look through me as though I am translucent.I have no more energy to try to explain it to you. But I can tell you this:
Even though you speak the words, “I realize how hard it is for you.” Clearly you do not.
You understand nothing.

Tick-Tock ~ DT ~ my time is “limited” too ~ Just like your “availability”.

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