Thursday, July 2, 2009

"You don't have to hurt yourself"

"Grace, you don't have to hurt yourself."
You don't have to hurt yourself to sleep.
Yes, DT, I do. I tried everything else. Nothing else works. You aren't here and you don't see what he does, you don't know that I can't make it stop unless I hurt.
Every night he comes to me, and he hurts me, and it's real. But no one hears me and I don't know what to do. I cry, but no one comes...I try to fight, but he is too strong.
So I try the pills. How many will it take tonight? How manywill it take to make him disappear? 3? 5? 30? How many to feel numb? How many to just make it stop!

"Are you there Grace, it's me Vodka?" How bout a drink, or 5, even 10. Maybe that will help. I don't want to feel anymore. I want it to stop. I need all of them to be quiet! How much to drown out the voices? How much to no longer feel him or smell him? How many??

Where are the scissors, the razor, some glass... GOD! The pain inside of me is so intense, I can't even begin to make sense of it ~ I need to physically feel the pain, I need to see the blood. I need it to hurt!

Maybe I can puke it out of me. The badness the dirtiness.

Every night, I roll the dice...every night I weigh the options, check the list. And every night I try to just make it stop!
Every night it happens.
And every morning I am surprised I wake up, still alive
This is what I no longer tell DT.
I don't tell her because she will change again.
She will make me go to SU&B class again.
I won't call her because she's busy now.
I won't reach out for her when she won't reach back.
I won't tell her. I won't call her.
I will deal with it myself.
I will make it stop myself!

And she won't know...that every night - I think about suicide & every night I puke.
I can't fall asleep unless I feel pain, unless I'm hurt, until I see my own blood.

What happens in the dark stays in the dark.

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